Author: mediation-writer

It is a human tendency to categorize things neatly in our minds. Food groups, politics, people…we try to organize thinking around these things into a clean way of viewing a complicated world.

This is how our brains are wired. Studies reveal that even at four months of age, infants form distinct categories for dogs and cats. This is doubly revealing because at such a young age the only visual information they have to go off of is silhouettes. As we grow up, it only gets more nuanced.

Imagine for a moment that we couldn’t form categories. This would mean that every time we encountered a brand-new object, we’d have to learn about it from scratch. The fact that we have categories means that whenever we encounter an apple, we don’t have to learn about it. We can quickly apply what we know about other apples and safely assume that this new apple is a piece of fruit that tastes sweet and is good for us.

This ability to categorize objects allows us to store an incredible amount of information in our brains. Psychologically speaking, this makes sense with regard to objects. However when this fundamental concept extends to the categorization of people, it has the potential to be a problematic source of conflict because it runs the risk of incorrect assumptions.

---

Putting people into neat categories can create situations where one’s perceived group is separate from others. This “othering” shows up in conflict time and time again, in a myriad of ways:

1. Dehumanization: Labeling a group as "other" often distances them from what’s considered the norm or in-group. This can lead to viewing them as less human or less deserving of empathy and respect.
2. US versus THEM mentality: Creating an "other" category reinforces an "us vs. them" dynamic, which fosters mistrust, fear, and hostility between groups.
3. Stereotyping: The "other" label often comes with oversimplified generalizations about an entire group, ignoring individual differences and promoting prejudice.
4. Lack of understanding: Categorizing people as "other" can discourage efforts to understand their perspectives, experiences, and cultures, leading to misunderstandings and conflict.
5. Power imbalances: Those who define the "other" often hold more social or political power, leading to discrimination and marginalization of out-groups.
6. Scapegoating: "Other" groups are sometimes blamed for problems, making them targets for unwarranted aggression or punitive policies.
7. Self-fulfilling prophecy: Treating a group as "other" can lead to their isolation or defensive behaviour, which may then be used to justify the initial othering.

To counter the risks of our categorization tendency, strive to view people as unique beings; acknowledging that their identities transcend simple group affiliations, whether religious, social, or cultural. This approach allows for a more nuanced understanding of human diversity.

Let’s consider a workplace example, where employees have adapted a view of their boss as "other" – someone separate from the rest of the team. Their boss, Sarah, is known for being reserved and formal in her interactions.

This might lead to the employees jumping to the following conclusions:

• ”She doesn’t care about us." They assume her reserved demeanor means she’s cold and uncaring, when in reality, she might be introverted or trying to maintain professional boundaries.
• “She’s only interested in profits, not people." Without understanding her pressures and responsibilities, they might assume her focus on results stems from greed rather than company obligations.
• “She’s never worked a day on the front lines." Employees might assume Sarah can’t relate to their challenges, ignoring the possibility that she worked her way up through similar roles.
• “She has a perfect life and doesn’t understand our struggles." They might imagine her life is problem-free, overlooking personal challenges she might face.
• “She’s plotting to cut our benefits." Without open communication, routine business reviews might be interpreted as schemes against the employees.

Perhaps some of these conclusions have merit, but also maybe not. Assumptions such as these often turn out to be inaccurate and get us into trouble, so it is wise to consider that our thoughts might not be fully true. Beginner’s mind is the concept of remembering that we can never know something with absolute certainty; a pause where we can suspend our viewpoint for a moment in order to better bear witness to what’s happening around us. Is Sarah the reductive version of herself we’ve made her out to be? Or is there more going on in her life beyond the brief interactions we have with her?

When you find yourself in conflict, take a moment to ask yourself: am I making an assumption about the other person or party? And what might be the other person’s perspective at this moment?

---

As much as we might wish life was simple, the relational nature of things means that reality is usually more akin to organized chaos. Although categorizing things is a fundamental cognitive skill that serves us well in many cases, it clearly also leads us to oversimplify human complexity by grouping people into rigid categories.

Don’t beat yourself up when catching yourself putting people into boxes – it’s what our brains are wired to do and we all do it. But also don’t let this be an excuse; when you can catch it, you can begin to engage with curiosity and de-escalate a tough situation.

Dear Valued Friends of Mediation Services,

We extend our heartfelt gratitude for your presence at our recent Annual General Meeting (AGM), which took place on June 20th 2024 at our Winnipeg office (302-1200 Portage Avenue).

Your participation is integral to the vibrancy of our organization and the community it serves. Everyone’s active involvement in the discussions and decision-making processes demonstrates the strength and dedication of our community. The insights shared and the connections renewed during our gathering will undoubtedly propel our organization forward in its mission to foster understanding and resolution.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to join us as we reflect on what was and plan for what will be.

---

For those who were unable to attend, we want you to know that your continued support is also appreciated. Here is a downloadable PDF of the details covered in the meeting for your own perusal:
Mediation Services Annual Report (2023-2024)

Here are some highlights:

• The Training Program experienced significant growth in its offered programming (online and in-person) as well as revenue (up 360% over lows during the Covid period) to continue expanding efforts sustainably.
• The Community Mediation Program has remained consistent over the last year and found greater cohesiveness, thanks to previous visioning work and streamlined file triaging.
• The Restorative Justice Court Diversion Program has seen both an increase in referrals and the success rate for which files reach an agreement (51%).
• Significant strides have been made to get the Family Resolution Program off the ground, including the establishment of a strong partnership with Manitoba’s Family Resolution Services to connect families with the right resources in a timely way.
• The Volunteer Program has expanded to now include 42 active volunteers.
• Mediation Services hosted the National Restorative Justice Symposium this year (November 20-21).

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Please take a moment to click through to the full annual report.

Did you miss out on the AGM because you didn’t know it was happening? To ensure you never miss out on our future events, updates, and valuable insights, we encourage you to sign up for our newsletter. It’s the best way to stay connected with Mediation Services and be part of our ongoing journey.

As we move forward, energized by the spirit of collaboration evident at our gathering, we remain committed to serving our community with an aim for the highest standards. Your ongoing support and involvement are crucial to our success.

We look forward to another year of growth, learning, and positive impact together.

Warm regards,
The Whole Team at Mediation Services

You’ve probably heard the rumour about how gratitude is good for us. It goes something like, “When you’re having a hard time, remember to be grateful for what you have.”

Indeed, scientific studies (like this one) are lending credence to this sentiment. Gratitude helps to reduce blood pressure and get our nervous systems back into the “rest and digest” state so necessary for recovery and healing. Gratitude helps us to discharge stress and find relaxation again. Gratitude can even encourage us to fuel our bodies with nourishing foods, as appreciation for what our bodies do empowers us to take better care of them.

Beyond these benefits for the individual, gratitude helps us strengthen connections with loved ones and the wider community. Social connection is vital for our sense of well-being, so when we recognize relationships going well it’s worth expressing it. Letting others know we are grateful for them and what they do deepens the bonds between us. It goes the other way too: consider how it feels when you are on the receiving end of gratitude for a moment.

---

Of course, relationships do not go well all of the time. When facing rough patches with others, it is particularly important to not forget there are other parts of the relationship we are grateful for. In so doing, we can remember what we’re working towards and commit to the oft-uncomfortable task of conflict resolution.

This process doesn’t need to be forced. It’s not about pretending everything is fine, but rather taking perspective and cultivating the capacity to hold the dual truths that things can be good and also use some work. And then, doing the work.

---

We can make gratitude more tangible if we break it down into steps:

1. Try to find an affirmation of goodness. Is there something, someone, or some circumstance that you are grateful for? Can you receive that?
2. Recognize that the source of this goodness rests outside of yourself. You receive these gifts from others, by either luck or intentional action. Appreciate that you are in a web of interdependence and not alone.
3. Aim to act wisely, recognizing that your choices play a part in the wide, interconnected, and complex ecosystem that is life.

When we cultivate gratitude for our bodies, relationships, and the shared home that is our planet, we are empowered to better take care of them.

Pro tip: it is best to practice cultivating gratitude in times of relative smoothness. When there is conflict, hurt feelings, or a a difference of opinion involved, feeling gratitude becomes more difficult as well. By establishing a positive habit we stand a better chance at avoiding unnecessary escalation of a situation with a poor reaction to conflict.

Gratitude is rarely our default modus operandi – at least, not without a bit of practice. We are prone to a pesky survival instinct called the negativity bias. When we’re hyper-focused on a problem to the exclusion of all else, we might not be so receptive to someone chiming in with the advice, “When you’re having a hard time, remember to be grateful for what you have.”

And yet gratitude is an antidote to this negativity bias, helping us widen our perspective to include the problem we face in the context of everything else around it. It allows creative solutions to stem from other aspects at play, rather than a narrow view from which their appear relatively few options.

Bringing gratitude into conflict can provide helpful perspective and resilience during challenging times.

---

Remember: gratitude is not only seeing the bright side, glossing over pain or struggle, or just about good vibes. It’s about expanding perspective to include more so that we can feel more empowered to engage in our lives.

Not sure where to start? May we suggest that you check out our FREE Conflict 101 webinar which will help demystify conflict through a psychological approach. This course gives understanding that provides a good entry point into exploring gratitude in the inevitable conflict we all bump into time and again – whether at home, the workplace, or in the wider community.

Also, try doing the gratitude exercise we outlined earlier in this article for several subsequent days with different people in your life. And let’s add on one last step to it too: express your gratitude for someone today and see what happens.

Life is complicated. A lot happens simultaneously. And so it is a vital skill to be able to focus on one thing amidst the swirl of everything, everywhere, all at once.

Each of us knows this feeling: zoning in on what we’re doing and finding flow, we can see a task through to completion. But there is a shadow version of this to be wary of: one where, at a biological level, we are wired to prioritize our acute attention towards negative things because, after all, a priority for living is to endure threatening situations.

Our brains are hardwired to keep us safe. This lends well to basic survival but it can also narrow our perspective to the exclusion of all else. Pointed focus comes with the risk of tunnel vision where anything outside of it is disregarded, which isn’t always great for our headspace or the people around us. Focusing solely on the negative broods despair and inaction; a survivalist mindset with little room for hope.

---

Negativity bias is the cognitive tendency for things of a more negative nature to have a greater effect on one’s psychological state and processes than neutral or positive things. It magnifies unpleasant thoughts, emotions, social interactions, and harmful events.

When we’re in conflict, this translates to a fixation on the problems in front of us. How do you think this tunnel vision might affect one’s role in a conflict? Here are a few possibilities:

• Overemphasis on negative aspects of a situation.
• Ambiguous actions are interpreted as hostile.
• Dwelling on perceived slights or criticisms.
• Worst-case scenarios are anticipated as sure things before they might happen.

These effects can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where our negative expectations shape the conflict’s outcome. Tensions escalate from a competitive defense and finding common ground where potential solutions might stem from is difficult.

People who are more aware of their headwinds (ie: the barriers they face) than their tailwinds (ie: the benefits they receive) have an outlook that doesn’t lean into the strengths of everything at play.

Expanding our perspective to include both the problem as well as benefits, solutions, and things entirely separate helps us to remember to hope and stay committed to working through the challenges. Further, it translates to feeling empowered, collaborative, and contented, despite bumping into the unavoidable friction of conflict.

Imagine this workplace scenario:

Sarah and Mike are coworkers on a marketing team. Sarah perceives Mike as consistently late in delivering his part of projects, which affects her work. Due to negativity bias, Sarah focuses heavily on Mike’s delays, overlooking his other contributions.

During a team meeting, Sarah criticizes Mike’s work ethic, citing his latest delay. Mike, feeling attacked, becomes defensive and points out times Sarah has made mistakes. The conflict escalates, creating tension in the team.

Whoa! Can you see how Sarah’s fixation on Mike’s lateness is not helping the situation? Maybe the themes of this example ring true for you; can you reflect on a situation where you might have focused too heavily on the negative aspects? How might things have turned out differently if you had taken time to adjust your perspective?

---

Widening our perspective can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. One way to do it is to focus on gratitude. Gratitude is an antidote to the negativity bias, allowing us to take a wider perspective so that we can tackle our challenges with a bit more resilience.

Ideally, we would be able to notice our agitation; realize that our focus has narrowed, step back to reconsider the full situation (both the perceived negative and any overlooked aspects), and then consciously choose our next words and actions carefully.

But life isn’t always ideal. It can be hard to catch oneself when in the middle of a reaction. A defensive response occurs at a biological level in the brain that precludes rational thought. In cases where perspective seems impossibly elusive, an intervening manager or mediator can offer support.

Here’s what this sort of third-party conflict resolution might look like in our example:

1. Sarah and Mike’s manager intervenes, encouraging both to reflect on their perceptions and actions.
2. Sarah realizes her negativity bias led her to overlook Mike’s strengths. While timeliness is an issue, she acknowledges that Mike often provides high-quality, creative ideas that enhance their projects.
3. Mike recognizes that his delays impact others and commits to improving his time management.
4. Both express gratitude:
   Sarah: "Mike, I’m grateful for your creative input. Your ideas often take our campaigns to the next level."
   Mike: "Sarah, thank you for your attention to deadlines. It helps keep our team on track."
5. They agree to a new workflow that leverages everyone’s strengths, with Sarah helping Mike with timelines and Mike assisting Sarah in brainstorming sessions.

This approach helps neutralize the negativity bias, fostering a more balanced and appreciative work environment. What is better for Sarah and Mike, also benefits the resultant work they can do together.

In this spirit, two of the core programs that Mediation Services has developed over decades of community work are Building a Respectful Workplace (online or in-person) and Dealing with Defensiveness (online or in-person). If this example feels frustratingly familiar, click on through to dive deeper into our structured programming and learn more.

---

Remember: life is complicated. A problem upon which we’re focused is but one part of the larger mosaic of life, and sometimes we need to remind ourselves of this.

  If   When we catch ourselves fixating on something negative in a conflict, remember to take a step back and cultivate a wider perspective in which that aspect plays its part; leaving nothing out.

Have you ever heard of a little thing called stress?

Imagine this:

A conflict has erupted at work. You’re not directly involved, but your cubicle is caught in the awkward space between two feuding colleagues and, whether you like it or not, you’re forced into the role of bystander. Daryl has been whispering to you in hushed tones about being bullied and intimidated by another co-worker, Jamie. Jamie suspects that you’re on Daryl’s side (even though you’ve never actually said anything) and walks by with an aggressive look on their face, which nonverbally says, “Watch out – you’re next.” Your hands stop typing mid-sentence as your breath tightens. You clamp your jaw shut, to avoid saying something that will land you in the Human Resources office. Jamie disappears from view but, unable to sit still and focus on your work, the agitation sticks with you the rest of the week.

Stress is prevalent in every relational aspect of our lives, including work situations like the one imagined above. In a bustling office filled with interpersonal conflicts and workplace stressors, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by the constant barrage of stress. In the short term, it can derail both focus and productivity. If it becomes chronic, it can lead to more serious health conditions such as depression, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Clearly, stress is a big deal. Also, it’s unavoidable. So how can we prevent its ill effects from piling up unhealthily in ourselves?

---

First, we need to make a clear distinction: stress is not the same as a stressor.

Stressors are what activate the stress response in our bodies. They can be from external sources like work demands, personal relationships, time constraints, financial pressures, cultural norms and expectations, or the busyness of daily life. Stressors can also be internal: self-criticism, identity, and memories to name a few.

Stress, on the other hand, is the neurological and physiological shift that happens in the body when we perceive a stressor. This evolutionary adaptive response causes a cascade of changes throughout the body. To illustrate this, let’s imagine one of our ancestors taking a stroll through the savannah. All of a sudden, they see a massive hippo rising out of its hiding spot underwater. The body’s stress response kicks into action: the heart beats faster so that the legs can get ready to run. The eyes narrow as one’s attention focuses on survival in the immediate moment. Hormones like adrenaline, cortisol, and glycogen course through the body to get primed for full action mode. Energy is drawn away from the digestive, immune, and reproductive systems to maximize efficiency in this state. Both body and mind change in response to the perceived threat – all in the service of survival.

Stressors are the circumstance; stress is the physiological response to stressors.

Our adaptive stress response is an incredibly efficient and effective part of our evolution that has kept us alive for thousands of years. However, our modern-day environs – from the cramped cubicle farm to the rolling lawns of suburbia – are nothing like the spacious savannah and our biology has not fully realized this change.

The brain is constantly scanning for risks to protect against and, since its number one priority is to stay alive, it tends to err on the side of identifying many things as potential threats. A workplace bully like Jamie might never be a threat to our lives, but there still is a stress response in our bodies.

Further, our modern culture and social norms mean that we don’t necessarily deal with office dangers in the survivalist way we would have eons ago in the wide open wild. We don’t really have the option to drop our laptops and run out the door every time there is a workplace conflict. Instead, the ideal is to avoid unnecessary escalation, schedule a meeting with the relevant parties to discuss rational ways to deal with the issue directly, and call in various supports to help mediate as needed. After all, conflict is rarely one person’s fault.

We act with courage and maturity to deal with the stressor as best we can. Yet, even after resolution is reached, we can still feel wound up and irritated. What is going on?

Remember the important distinction between stressor and stress: even when there is resolution, sometimes we can’t relax because we haven’t addressed the physiological impact of stress itself. When we do not discharge the stress, it accumulates in the body and can show up as tight muscles, high blood pressure, being easily startled, poor immune function…the symptoms continue.

---

In our modern world, the actions we take to deal with a stressor aren’t necessarily the same actions we take to deal with stress. Put another way: talking about things at a team meeting doesn’t always calm our threatened nervous systems.

The buildup of chronic stress increases wear and tear on every organ system in our bodies and negatively impacts our health over time. Sure we need to deal with the stressor, but we also need to deal with the stress itself. Just like it’s essential for our bodies to breathe, eat, and sleep, it’s essential for our bodies that we do something to deactivate the stress response.

One of the most efficient strategies for deactivating the stress response is to physically move the body. Yes, move – in any which way you can!

While a part of our brain understands dealing with interpersonal conflict through rational problem-solving, another part of us operates beyond thought and has no idea what that means. This part can get stuck “on” after we are exposed to stressors. By moving, we send the message to this part of ourselves that we have run away from the threat, whether it’s a hippo or a Jamie, and that it’s safe to slow down and relax.

Physical activity doesn’t have to look a certain way or be a special kind of fancy – it just has to be something. It could be as simple as standing up right now from your chair and reaching your arms overhead for a big stretch. It could be squeezing your shoulders to your ears for a few seconds, and then taking a full exhale as you relax and shake out your arms. It could be fitting in a workout to separate your work day from the evening.

There are other ways to deactivate the stress response (social interaction, time spent in nature, mindfulness meditation, creative expression, etc), but movement is an effective one that is always literally at our fingertips. Experiment for yourself and make a note of what works for you.

---

At Mediation Services, we take pride in offering practical education and resources for addressing conflict resolution. While most of our work centres on addressing stressors, we know that it is important to recognize a different kind of restoration: stress reduction and self-care. Addressing both stressors and the stress makes for a greater chance of having positive outcomes in the long run.

So, all of that said, how will you take care of yourself today?

Have you heard the story about the owl and the cheese?

Once upon a time, there was a group of friends gathered at a party. The theme of the party was, "Social Psychology Research." After cake slices were passed around, it was time for the first round of games. Everyone (who had been asked to dress up as "Research Participants") was given a piece of paper with a maze drawn on it. They were instructed that their goal was to get their cartoon mouse from one side of the maze to the other. Whoever got their mouse to the end of the maze first, won.

The caveat: not everyone was given the same piece of paper. Half of them got a version where a cartoon owl loomed over the page, hunting the mouse. The other half got a version where a morsel of delicious cheese was awaiting the mouse at its destination.

Who do you think completed the maze faster: the ones running away from the owl or the ones running toward the cheese?

Answer: the cheese group!

And here’s the twist: this isn’t a story from friends at a party…it was a real study done in a lab with real research participants.

---

In 2005, two social psychologists named Ronald S. Friedman and Jens Förster published a paper on their study of whether anticipating positive outcomes (e.g. getting food) or avoiding negative outcomes (e.g. being food) would affect our capacity for creativity and problem-solving. Indeed, they did find a difference: we become more focused (and ultimately more successful) when we orient towards a specific positive goal – versus when we’re trying to move away from a negative state. Running toward the cheese resulted in more efficient problem-solving than running away from the owl. How can this be so?

When you think about it, this makes sense: running away from a threat doesn’t lead us anywhere specific, because it only matters that we are somewhere safe from the threat (even one as benign as a cartoon owl). As a result, we might not necessarily be much better off than where we started. On the other hand, when we are moving towards a positive goal, we become more focused in our attention and efforts. We keep our commitment and stay consistent in our efforts which eventually build up to more. We thrive.

The takeaway? We need cheese – or rather, we need positive goals to increase our chance of positive outcomes.

How does this relate to the way we deal with conflict? Well, conflict tends to be uncomfortable, painful, messy, and exhausting – we would like nothing more than to be done with it. As a result, the reflexive response often is, get me out of here! However, we might unwittingly be setting ourselves up to run from a cartoon owl: frantically looking for exit strategies and shortcuts, to reach a place where we are indeed safe from the conflict but not necessarily in the best way. We might be relieved, but not truly satisfied. And with repetition, this can unwittingly develop into bad habits or pattern of avoidance.

Instead, we want to orient towards the “cheese” or positive goal of conflict resolution: to creatively collaborate with others and find a mutually agreeable, win-win solution. If we feel empowered and resourced to deal with disagreements and disputes head-on, then we can find a path forward with curiosity and a willingness to listen.

Can you think of an uncomfortable situation in your life that could stand to be reframed through a positive goal-oriented perspective? Clearly outlining our goals when we step into conflict resolution helps us to stay focused and committed to the process – and increases the chances of a positive outcome.

It’s not uncommon to feel overwhelmed by the stress, despair, and frustration that conflict can bring to the surface. We feel these feelings because we care about the outcome and about who is involved. But it doesn’t have to be this way: let’s channel the energy of our emotions into pointing ourselves toward what we truly want: resolution.

---

Resolution is possible – even if it might initially feel like a stretch. If you’re not sure where to start, Mediation Services can help with that. Our free webinar Conflict 101: Demystifying Conflict Through a Psychological Approach explains the undercurrents of what’s at play when conflict arises.

Once you understand the basics, it becomes time to apply them in your own life. We have ongoing training programs to support this both online and in-person, addressing specific applications of conflict resolution in the workplace and other social situations. Join us and take a step towards your positive goals.

Sometimes we conjure up an illusion of separateness; the idea that we can exist on our own, apart from the complexity of living with others. Alas, it’s not so simple.

Facing uncomfortable situations like conflict can be awkward at best and distressing at worst. So, it follows that it can be tempting to not face them.

At some point, we’ve all felt this instinct – the desire to remove ourselves from difficult people or tense exchanges. It offers a temporary escape from unpleasant emotions like anger, shame, and hurt feelings. But although taking a step back to allow cooler heads to prevail can be wise as a time-out strategy, dodging it altogether is just a short-term solution.

In the long run, a tendency to isolate fails to address real issues and makes situations worse. It communicates an unwillingness to cooperate or find compromise. Others then feel cut out and distrustful in response. Conflicts that could have been resolved through open communication instead simmer and divide.

---

We tend to think of ourselves as individuals – a single person’s body / mind / soul separate from the rest of the world. But consider a glass of water on the table in front of you. It’s a warm afternoon, you’ve been fixated on doing the day’s tasks, and it’s admittedly long past the time you had a drink. And so you do – in the span of a gulp, the water passes your parched lips and becomes a part of your body. It flows through you, enabling your cells to enable your existence in the world.

A question: at what point did the water go from becoming separate from you to a part of you? When we look closely, the edge that separates the two is not as clear as we initially thought.

There is a duality that exists in the human mindset: we are simultaneously both individual and one with the rest of the world at any given moment. And just like our existence is linked with the things we put into it, so too we are with everything we touch.

In the modern world, we tend to lift up individuality which, on its own, creates an idea of separateness that isn’t the full picture. If we’re not careful, then everything becomes a competition in the game of life – a stance that gets in the way of harmony and conflict resolution.

Seeing ourselves as separate also ignores how interdependent we truly are within communities. Although it looks different for each of us, no one can exist wholly apart from relationships with family, friends, coworkers, neighbours, and fellow citizens. Our words and actions inevitably affect others, just as their words and actions have an effect on us. Even if we want nothing to do with certain people during a disagreement, we still share spaces, resources, and responsibilities. Any attempt to cut off all contact does not change this interconnected reality and fosters a divisive distance between parties that still need to find ways to coexist.

Ask yourself: when conflict arises in your life, how might your approach towards it shift if you viewed it from the perspective that we are all on the same team?

A shift in perspective can open up possibilities we couldn’t see before, bridging divides and tending the whole in which we each play a part. Water, relationships, and the ecosystem we share…these things can be included when we realize we aren’t separate from them.

Still, it’s easy to see how avoidance can lead to perceived isolation. In the short term, dodging conflict fulfills our desire to not feel the discomfort that comes with it. And unchecked, this reinforcement primes the habit loop and can cause the tactic to become a bad habit where we push others away and cause complications down the road.

---

If ever you find yourself stuck in a bad relationship with conflict, turning to carefully established frameworks can help you change course. And that’s what the tried-and-true offerings from Mediation Services empower you to do.

A good place to start is with our FREE online webinar Conflict 101: Demystifying Conflict Through a Psychological Approach. Try out the techniques in your own life, and from there, take your education to the next level with one of our in-person or online training programs.

Looking for a third-party mediator to bring two parties toward resolution? Fill out a mediation self-referral form and connect with us today.

When we look closely, the line between each of us is not so clear. Dissolving this illusion of separateness allows us to find compromise and healthy paths forward, together.

It’s great to dream big. Doing so is active goal setting and helps us aim for goodness: Completing a job perfectly? Sure, we can get behind that. Having no health ailments? Absolutely, it’s a great aspiration. World peace? Yes please.

These are things we can unanimously support but, realistically speaking, are any of them possible to fully arrive at? Perfection…there’s always room for growth, so the idea of flawlessness is not achievable. Health…aging and death are inherent parts of being human that can’t be denied. Peace…since conflict is inevitable due to our diverse interbeing, permanent peace is elusive.

Reality is not always ideal.

There is a duality when we orient ourselves towards these lofty ideals, where the target is simultaneously unachievable and yet also valuable for growth. Whether we realize the end goal fully or not, falling short of perfection still lands us in a better place than if we had never made an effort at all.

Commitment to the process is more important than realizing the goal itself. If we hold our idealized aspirations lightly (remember: you are only a single person in a complex world and there’s only so much you can do individually – and that’s okay), there are many concrete positives that these abstract aims enable:

1. Inspiration: Ideals can inspire us to strive for excellence and push our boundaries. By setting high standards, we are motivated to work harder, learn more, and develop new skills in pursuit of these goals.
2. Direction: Ideals offer an orienting sense of direction and purpose, helping us prioritize our actions and decisions. They act as guiding principles, enabling us to focus on what matters most and embody efforts that align with our values and aspirations.
3. Personal growth: Pursuing ideals can lead to personal growth. The journey towards an ideal often involves overcoming challenges, learning from mistakes, and developing resilience – all of which contribute to our overall development.
4. Benchmarks for progress: Ideals can serve as benchmarks against which we measure our progress. Recognizing incremental improvements can help build confidence, foster a sense of accomplishment, and sustain commitment despite hurdles along the way.
5. Collective improvement: When groups or societies strive for shared ideals (such as justice, equality, or peace) they contribute to collective progress and improvement. Ongoing efforts can lead to significant advancements in social, political, and economic spheres.

But it’s not all giggles and sunshine. Be wary of placing too much emphasis on end goals and falling into a pitfall of perfectionism, for measuring oneself against the impossible is a surefire way to slip into despair and inaction. Aiming big can be daunting. If the gap between a goal and where we are is too wide, it feels insurmountable. “Why bother?” we mutter to ourselves, hesitant to even try.

When this sort of paralysis takes hold, try to break down the looming large concept into realistic, achievable goals that serve as stepping stones toward the overall goal and vision. Rather than trying to achieve massive change all at once, we can focus on small and incremental improvements in the same direction.

In doing so, we embrace the power of small wins. These little victories create a positive feedback loop which makes our larger efforts sustainable. The formation of lasting good habits, bolstered long-term commitment, an understanding that everything changes…these life-long benefits are all the result of daily efforts.

Living in a complicated world is an iterative experience, so remember to be kind to yourself when you encounter setbacks. Acknowledge your efforts and progress. Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and growth by committing to the process rather than the outcome. Try to maintain a balanced perspective, through which you can harness the power of ideals to inspire, guide, and drive development.

---

While we may never fully achieve world peace, we can cultivate peace in our lives by learning to better dance with the unique conflicts we face.

Here at Mediation Services, this focus on conflict resolution is our specialty and we’ve created a FREE Conflict 101: Demystifying Conflict Through a Psychological Approach webinar that unpacks little wins we can all bring into our relational lives. More specific case studies and applications (dealing with defensiveness, respect in the workplace, etc) are available as part of ongoing in-person and online programming.

It is our sincere hope that the strategies and tools we offer can help each of us meet the complexity of coexistence in our families, workplaces, and communities. They may not solve everything to the measure of our dreamt-up ideals, but they certainly can help us orient in the direction we want to go today and across a lifetime.

If we aim for something ideal, we succeed even when we inevitably fall short. Each of us can take a little step in the right direction today.

Don’t lead with your toolkit, lead with your humanity. The tools and strategies we gather over time are useful, but a prerequisite to their wise use is to pay attention to what’s in front of us before defaulting to them.

Imagine this:

You’ve been training to be a guidance counsellor for years and have finally landed a full-time job at an elementary school. At the top of your graduating class, you know all the answers to all the hypothetical questions posed on the exam. When the first student gets sent to your fresh new office, the situation is familiar with what you’ve studied and so you give the answer that would have gotten you an A+ in class – but, to your surprise, it falls flat in the real world.

Knowledge is great, but before we leap to solutions we need to put them aside so that we can turn clearly to what we’re facing. With openness, we can be present with the people involved and understand what action might be appropriate – instead of bulldozing through a step-by-step checklist without listening.

We chat, we ask questions, we find a pause in the critical moment before we respond…this is effective communication. In doing so, we learn that every child who walks into a guidance counsellor’s office has a unique background and what initially caught the attention of an adult is just the tip of an iceberg. The answer we know well may still apply, but perhaps now it can be given sensitively so that it falls on receptive ears.

So too it goes with mediation and so many other social frameworks.

---

We need to be careful about the roles we embody. At times they are necessary and functional, providing some needed sense of structure and predictability. However, when we over-identify with a role it both defines us and confines us, narrowing our vision and limiting our options.

Clinging to roles, we lose touch with who we are beyond them.

Beware of the intermediate mindset that assumes we know best. Embrace a beginner’s mind which looks at everything with a freshness, assuming nothing and therefore wholly open to listening.

And then we reach into our toolkit with discernment as to what will best serve the situation at hand.

With practice, the frameworks and strategies we learn for dealing with conflict become more ingrained. This is a boon in that it optimizes our reactions to challenging situations, but there is also the risk that we act too quickly and without conscious thought. Biology is simultaneously amazing and frustrating.

Humanity plays a crucial role in mediation and conflict resolution, as these processes inherently involve human interactions, emotions, and perspectives. At the core lies a recognition of our connected existence and acknowledgment that all parties involved are human beings with diverse backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. Acknowledging these differences, it makes sense that conflict is both inevitable and prone to different perspectives.

How can we work with the fact that each of us is unique? Perhaps, it’s easier to answer if we flip it around: how would you like others to treat you when friction arises in an interaction?

Empathy and understanding, communication and dialogue, compromise and flexibility…different situations require different actions, but the commonality is a curious and open mindset behind them. If ever we notice that our efforts are falling flat despite following best-known strategies, remember our shared humanity. Once we can accept each other in all of our human-ness, we can find better ways to move forward together.

---

Looking for ways to fill your toolkit well? The team at Mediation Services leads conflict resolution training developed from decades of community service, resulting in proven frameworks for you to utilize. We aim to offer you an agile proficiency in addressing conflict in your own life – focusing on the process and integrating humanity in each step forward.

Check out our ongoing in-person training in Winnipeg or our expansion into accessible online webinars.

Remember: start with a proper toolkit, but don’t forget to lead with your humanity first. Every situation is unique.

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
– Lao Tzu

Actions that get repeated over and over again become habits, and these habits can be hard to break. This can be great, like in the case of establishing a daily exercise regime. But it can also be detrimental, like in how we might be avoidant of difficult conversations.

As we unpacked with the habit loop, when we understand the cycle that reinforces patterns in our brains we can manipulate its components to effectively change behaviour. There’s always an opportunity to create new and improved habits – and, potentially replace existing ones proving to be unhelpful. This applies to any component of our lives, including how we deal with conflict.

When confronting conflict, there is a natural inclination to judge and assign blame (remember the pesky attribution problem?). This offers a sense of control and comfort in the heat of the moment, but ultimately is a bad habit because beyond the moment it escalates the unresolved issue and requires extra energy to repair damage down the road.

Imagine this:

You overhear a coworker talking critically about your work. Instead of confronting them about what they said, you grumble to another colleague about how the comment was cruel and gain an ally with their sympathy. It feels good but, at the same time, the conflict has not been faced – loading the emotionality of future situations as each little act adds up and losing out on the opportunity to improve the quality of your work output directly.

As we can see, the instant gratification of talking behind someone’s back reinforces unhelpful patterns – despite how it can hurt us in the long term.

By following the habit loop, we can create new positive habits around familiar conflicts. Think of a real example in your life and mentally fill in the blanks of the following exercise:

1. Cue: Identify a trigger that signals a need for conflict resolution. This could be a specific situation (such as a disagreement with a coworker) or a more general cue (like feeling angry or frustrated).
   eg: You overhear a coworker criticizing your idea.
2. Craving: Create a desire for a healthy conflict resolution response. This might involve focusing on the benefits of effective communication, such as improved relationships, growth, and everyone getting what they want.
   eg: Crave the feeling of openness and collaboration that comes from handling criticism constructively.
3. Response: Choose a healthy response to the cue. This should be a specific, actionable behaviour that promotes positive conflict resolution.
   eg: Instead of becoming defensive or argumentative, take a deep breath, replace judgment with curiosity, and have a conversation. Ask clarifying questions to understand your coworker’s perspective and express your thoughts in a clear, non-confrontational manner.
4. Reward: Identify a reward that reinforces the healthy conflict resolution habit. This could be an intrinsic reward (such as feeling proud of your proactiveness and effective communication) or an extrinsic reward (like receiving positive feedback). Either way, take time to receive and truly feel this feedback.
   eg: Reward yourself after your efforts, by taking a moment to soak up a sense of accomplishment and pride in your ability to handle conflicts constructively. You might also receive positive feedback from your coworkers, which further reinforces the habit.

By focusing on the positive habit, the cue will become increasingly associated with the healthy response. Over time, it gets easier as the neurological pattern gets ingrained in our brains – and instead of breaking the previous bad habit, we may find that we’ve outgrown it for this new one.

---

The takeaway: a bad habit doesn’t make us a bad person.

At Mediation Services, we know that it takes time to build habits steeped in effective communication – doubly so when the defensive response flares up when confronting conflict. But we also know that with a little bit of sustained effort, change is possible for every one of us. That’s why we exist to help and support you, every step of the way.

Our free webinar Conflict 101: Demystifying Conflict Through a Psychological Approach is a recommended starting point for each and all of us, providing a baseline for beginning to work with habits around conflict today. Beyond this foundation, our ongoing programming takes place online and in-person and we encourage you to explore how our current offerings might fit into your unique circumstances.

Mediation and conflict resolution are about embracing all aspects of ourselves and working with them. Nothing is left out – even the less-than-ideal bits like our bad habits. We can’t wish them away – but once we recognize them for what they are, we can harness the power of habit formation to work with the undercurrents of our lives.