Author: mediation-writer

The year is 2026. Snow is falling on one of the longest nights of winter. There is no sun, but a lone light appears in the dark wall of windows. Hark: a computer! A shadowy figure cracks their knuckles and gets to work.

Reading this in the third person, it sounds like the opening to a movie. But imagine yourself as that person, looking at the glowing tasks laid out in front of you and with only a shadow of a plan – do you feel the trepidation in your body?

The start of a new year is naturally future-oriented – a useful perspective, but also one that is intertwined with anxiety about the unknown. As much as we want to crack our knuckles and point ourselves in the right diretion, much of life is outside of our control and the ifs and/or hows remain unclear.

In both New Year’s resolutions and conflict resolution, we face a similar uncertainty. We enter into a situation and want an outcome, but at the same time we can’t know what the outcome will be. This naturally can create anxiety and fear in the process, or even prevent us from entering into the process in the first place.

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Anxiety at its heart is rooted in the imagination – albeit, with a negative spin. There’s a biological reason for us to tend towards this negativity bias (TLDR: safety), but it’s important to note that with a bit of intention, the imagination can also be used to imagine a positive outcome: how might this go right? For example, instead of “What if they yell at me?” try “What if they’ve been wanting to have this conversation too?”

That anxious feeling might not go away, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work with it.

Anxiety is tamed when we take action, but first we need to recognize when it’s stirred up. Anxious feelings often show up in the body before we are aware of it, so keep an eye on these physical symptoms as clues:

• Chest: Pounding heartbeat, tightness in the chest, shallow breathing.
• Stomach: Knots, butterflies, sudden bathroom urgency.
• Muscle/Body Tension: Tight neck/shoulders/back, jaw clenching, throat tension.
• Nerves: Pins and needles tingling, sweating.

It’s interesting how excitement and anxiety can feel so similar in the body.

The way that anxious feelings manifest physically is a bit different for us all, but typically each of us has a certain pattern that is familiar. Take some time to get to know yours – the earlier we recognize it arising, the better you can work with it (by either tempering it with some positive imagination of outcomes or taking an action).

Once you’ve recognized these signals in your body, you have a choice: stay stuck in the spinning, or take one small step forward. An action doesn’t need to be large to be effective in managing anxiety. In fact, small actions are often more powerful than we realize.

When we’re caught in anxiety, we’re stuck in our heads – spinning through possibilities, imagining obstacles, rehearsing worst-case scenarios…thinking, thinking, thinking. Taking even a small action interrupts this mental loop and brings us back into the present moment. It shifts us from passive worrying to active doing.

Think of it this way: if anxiety is imagination running wild, action is the gentle hand that guides it back to reality. Sending that first email to start a difficult conversation. Writing down one concern you want to address. Enrolling in a free Conflict 101 webinar. These small steps don’t eliminate uncertainty – they acknowledge it and move forward anyway.

Each small action also provides evidence that you can do something, even when the outcome is unclear. It’s a form of self-trust being built, one step at a time. And often, once we take that first small step, the next one becomes clearer. The path forward doesn’t need to be fully visible; we only need to see the next step.

The anxious feeling might still be there – that tight chest, those butterflies – but now you’re moving with it rather than being paralyzed by it. And movement, however small, is what transforms anxiety from a wall into a companion on the journey forward.

Maybe, just maybe, when we’re moving rather than frozen, that anxious feeling reveals itself as what it always could have been: excitement for what’s possible.

January is often a time when people make promises to themselves and others to change. And, as we all know, January is also the time when many of these promises fall by the wayside.

Keeping resolutions can be difficult.

For those of us working in the world of mediation and conflict resolution, we see people make resolutions all of the time (not just in January!). Throughout the year, individuals and groups make intentional decisions to live differently, to respond to others’ actions in a different way, and to be less judgmental of others.

Resolutions in this context are called agreements, and there is an accountability factor in them that is often missing from “New Year’s” variety. Mediators monitor agreements and encourage participants to meet their obligations. In certain instances, family members are also there to hold participants accountable. And in some cases, the persons involved in a conflict hold each other accountable too. Just like resolutions that fail, agreements can also fail if accountability at some level is not a reality.

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Beyond accountability, resolutions need to be realistic if we hope to succeed.

In many businesses, nonprofit organizations, and social service agencies, the acronym SMART helps us define “good” goals:

• S = Specific
• M = Measurable
• A = Attainable
• R = Relevant
• T = Time limited

When making resolutions this year, try considering this framework. The calendar may have flipped over, but we still are the same person we were yesterday – perfect in one sense, but in another we could always use a little work!

Looking forward to seeing you and your growth in the new year.

When we think about prepping for the holidays, we probably think of grocery lists, gifts, and fitting everything into the schedule. But it’s also important to remember to prep for the people we’re about to spend time with!

As we head into the holiday season, when we gather with our distant connections (family, friends, and foes alike) there might be some friction between us. Belief systems and lifestyles don’t always align, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy dinner together!

It is important to remember that a lot can happen in a year. When we don’t see someone for a while, it’s worth reminding ourselves that the person in front of us might not match the “snapshot” we have of them in our memory. Just like we allow ourselves to grow and change, it only makes sense to extend this grace to others.

That said, a table of plenty can all-too-easily be overshadowed by a cloud of conflicting opinions. These conflicts tend to be either grounded in the past (previous conflict) or the future (differing beliefs) – either of which potentially sabotage the present.

In tense moments, let’s reflect on what we actually have control over (notably: not others!) and fall back on these tips from the Mediation Services team.

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How to Survive Holiday Squabbles – our best advice!

1. Be curious: Try to discover the intentions of your relatives before you judge them.
2. Focus on the present: Don’t drag in what so-and-so did last Christmas. Don’t worry about what so-and-so might do.
3. Acknowledge your needs: Avoiding an issue or overaccommodating others will spoil your holiday fun.
4. Take a time out: If family time is getting too intense, take a breather to look at the big picture.
5. Identify the deeper issue: Don’t make it about tree lights if it’s about who controls decorating.
6. Be open and clear: Relatives won’t know where you are coming from if you don’t tell them.
7. Address values and needs: Assure loved ones you are not threatening their special holiday.
8. Agree: Identify shared interests, acknowledge or agree where you can.
9. Explore Options: Once the problem is understood, propose solutions that meets everybody’s needs.
10. REMEMBER: Relationship is more important than winning.

We also highly recommend re-reading our previous article on how to be a good guest, but as a little TLDR for your busy schedule here are the pertinent takeaway questions to consider before opening your mouth to speak.

Consider these questions before engaging:

1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it beneficial?
4. Is it necessary?
5. Is it the right time?

Wishing you the best,
– The whole team at Mediation Services

We’re in December! Time flies and sometimes it’s hard to believe but, believe it or not, the holiday season is on the horizon.

As another year draws to a close, Mediation Services will be taking a brief pause to allow our team time to rest and rejuvenate. The office and operations will be closed between December 22nd and January 2nd (the only exception being for specific, previously scheduled appointments).

While we may be taking a break, conflict doesn’t always follow the same schedule. Holiday gatherings often come with unexpected challenges. It’s probably a good idea to revisit our guide to being a respectful/amicable/good guest at dinner parties – but also keep an eye on this blog for some further holiday tips (they’ll be posted during our time away).

Or perhaps it’s also the perfect time to try the FREE Conflict 101 webinar or one of the other on-demand webinars available? These resources are available when you need them – 365 days a year.

The office and our inboxes will reopen on Monday, January 5th at 8:30 AM, from which we’ll dive into 2026 together!

Cynicism is an attitude characterized by a general distrust of the motives of others. Its roots typically stem from a past hurt; frustration and disillusionment sprouting from something as close as a friend’s betrayal or as far as unfulfilled expectations of a government / church / organization.

It feels like a natural response: ”If we default to not giving trust, then we won’t get hurt again!” In actuality, it’s a trauma response; a defensive adjustment born from a tough experience. Its essence is logical, but it also gets in the way of other aspects of living – establishing connections with people, collaboration, and even self-actualization.

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The Hidden Costs of Cynicism

While cynicism may feel protective, it operates like a security system that locks us inside our own homes. When we assume the worst about others’ intentions, we create a barrier that prevents authentic connection. Over time, this defensive posture becomes exhausting. We’re constantly vigilant, interpreting neutral or even kind gestures through a lens of suspicion. A colleague’s compliment becomes manipulation. A partner’s apology becomes a tactic. A community initiative becomes a hidden agenda.

This hypervigilance doesn’t just affect how we see others – it changes how others experience us. People sense when they’re not trusted, and they often respond by pulling away or becoming more guarded themselves. Cynicism, then, becomes self-fulfilling. We expect people to be untrustworthy, we treat them accordingly, and they respond in ways that confirm our suspicions. The very connection we’re trying to protect ourselves from losing becomes impossible to build in the first place.

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Distinguishing Cynicism from Healthy Boundaries

It’s important to note that cynicism is not the same as discernment or healthy boundaries. Discernment allows us to evaluate situations thoughtfully and protect ourselves when necessary (with both our humanity and our toolkit), while still remaining open to positive possibilities. Healthy boundaries are about knowing our limits and communicating them clearly. Cynicism, by contrast, is a blanket assumption that operates before we’ve gathered any real information about a person or situation.

The difference lies in flexibility. Discernment asks, "What is this particular person showing me through their actions?" Cynicism declares, "Everyone will eventually let me down." One is responsive; the other is reactive.

Moving Forward: Small Steps Toward Openness

The tricky thing about cynicism is that it is a defensive response that makes a lot of sense. After all, the world is full of potential for hurt and all it takes is one such experience to shift our mindset.

As such, cynicism is very common.

If you recognize cynicism in yourself, the good news is that awareness is the first step toward change. Start by noticing when cynical thoughts arise. What triggered them? Is there evidence supporting this interpretation, or are you making assumptions based on past experiences with different people?

Then try this practice:

When you notice a cynical thought about someone’s motives, pause and ask yourself, "What’s another possible explanation for their behaviour?" This doesn’t mean naively trusting everyone or ignoring red flags. It means creating space for multiple interpretations rather than defaulting to the most negative one.

Consider, too, sharing your struggles with someone you trust. In our work facilitating mediation and conflict resolution, we’ve seen how powerful it can be when people voice their fears and vulnerabilities. Often, cynicism thrives in isolation. When we bring it into the light of honest conversation, its power diminishes.

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Building Trust, One Interaction at a Time

Healing from cynicism doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t require blind trust. It’s about taking small, calculated risks with your openness. Maybe we give someone the benefit of the doubt on something minor. Maybe we accept help without immediately questioning the helper’s agenda. Each positive interaction becomes evidence that not everyone will hurt us the way we’ve been hurt before.

Ultimately, moving beyond cynicism is an act of courage. It means choosing vulnerability over protection, possibility over certainty. It’s hard work, but the reward – genuine connection with others – is worth it. After all, we’re wired for relationship, and cynicism cuts us off from one of life’s greatest sources of meaning and joy.

Consistency isn’t just important when holding boundaries, it’s a key to building communities with one individual action at a time. A moment is just a piece within the wider mesh of interconnectivity; a single thread, one thing – many threads woven together over a lifetime, another.

Esther Perel writes:

Relationships thrive through repeated presence, not sporadic gestures. Rituals, routines, and shared rhythms build a shared reality

She penned this with romantic partnerships in mind, but this wisdom extends to every relationship we nurture – with neighbours, colleagues, family members, and the broader community we call home. When we show up consistently, we’re doing more than fulfilling an obligation. We’re signaling to others that they matter, that they can count on us, and that we’re invested in something larger than ourselves.

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The Power of Small, Repeated Actions

Think about the neighbour who waves hello every morning, the friend who checks in regularly, or the volunteer who arrives at the community centre every Tuesday without fail. These aren’t grand gestures that make headlines. They’re quiet acts of reliability that, over time, become the foundation of trust.

And what happens in the absence of this “showing up”? In conflict resolution work, we clearly see how a shortage of this consistency can erode relationships. When people feel they can’t rely on one another, misunderstandings fester and small disagreements escalate.

Consistency creates predictability, and predictability creates safety. When we know what to expect from each other, we can relax into authentic connection. We don’t have to second-guess intentions or wonder if someone will be there when we need them. This emotional safety is the bedrock upon which healthy communities are built.

Showing Up, Even When It’s Hard

Of course, consistency doesn’t mean perfection. Life happens – we get sick, face unexpected challenges, or simply have days when we’re running on empty. The key is communication. When we can’t show up in the way we’d like, letting others know builds trust rather than breaking it. It demonstrates that our commitment remains even when our circumstances change.

What matters is the pattern we establish over time. Do people experience us as generally reliable? Do we follow through on our commitments more often than not? Do we repair the relationship when we fall short? These are the questions that determine whether we’re contributing to or withdrawing from our community’s trust bank.

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Building consistency into your relationships doesn’t require dramatic lifestyle changes. Start small. Perhaps it’s a weekly phone call with a parent, attending the same community event each month, or simply being the person who remembers to ask how someone’s important appointment went. However modest, these rituals of connection weave those individual threads into something stronger.

For communities to thrive, they need members who show up not just when it’s convenient or exciting, but steadily, over time. Every conversation you have with a neighbour, every meeting you attend, every small act of kindness you extend contributes to the fabric of community life. And when conflicts arise (as they inevitably do), that established foundation of trust and consistency makes resolution possible.

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An Invitation

Community isn’t built in a day, and it isn’t maintained through occasional grand efforts. It’s cultivated through the accumulation of small, consistent choices to show up, be present, and honour our connections with others (even when there’s friction). Each time we do, we strengthen not only our individual relationships but the entire web that holds us all together.

What is one small way you can show up more consistently in your community? Perhaps your answer might just be a thread that strengthens the whole fabric.

Have you read our last blog article on how to set healthy boundaries? Start there if you haven’t, because this is a continution of that.

If you’re still here, we’re going to assume you went through the “boundary conversation.” Congratulations on setting a boundary in your life! But there is one important thing beyond drawing a clear line, and that is handling inevitable pushback and what to do when someone ignores the boundary altogether.

Here’s the hard truth: people will test your boundaries. Not necessarily because they’re bad people, but because you’ve changed the rules of engagement. If you’ve historically been available 24/7, suddenly establishing “no work calls after 6 PM” will feel jarring to others. They’re used to the old pattern and change is uncomfortable.

Let’s address the elephant in the room: holding boundaries often feels mean. We might think, “But they really need my help” or “What if this damages our relationship?”

Consider this reframe: Unclear boundaries and hidden resentment damage relationships far more than clear, kind boundaries ever will. When you say yes while feeling no, that resentment seeps out in passive-aggressive comments, withdrawal, or eventual explosions.

Holding a boundary isn’t about being rigid or uncaring. It’s about sustainable relationships where both people’s needs matter.

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Handling Pushback

Pushback typically shows up in three forms:

• Guilt trips: “I can’t believe you won’t help me. I thought we were on the same team.” This plays on your emotions, making you feel selfish for having needs.
• Anger or frustration: “This is ridiculous. You’re being unreasonable.” This attempts to intimidate you into backing down.
• Persistence: Ignoring your stated boundary and continuing the behaviour as if you never said anything. This tests whether you actually meant what you said.

Recognizing these patterns helps you respond calmly rather than reactively, defusing the emotions at play. The act of holding your boundary makes it real.

The question isn’t whether your boundaries will be challenged. It’s how you’ll respond when they are.

Holding Firm Without Escalating

When someone pushes back, use the DEAR framework:

• Describe the situation factually: “You’ve called three times tonight after I said I wasn’t available after 6 PM.”
• Express how you feel: “I’m frustrated because I need this evening time with my family.”
• Assert your boundary again: “I’m not available for work calls after 6 PM.”
• Reinforce the positive: “I’m happy to discuss this first thing tomorrow morning at 9 AM.”

The key is staying calm and consistent. Don’t JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain endlessly. State your boundary once, maybe twice if truly needed, then stop engaging with the pushback itself.

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When Boundaries Get Crossed

Despite your best efforts, someone will eventually cross your boundary. This is the moment that defines whether your boundary is real or merely a suggestion.

Address it immediately and directly. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes and the more resentment builds. Use simple language: “I noticed you called my home phone at 8 PM last night. As I mentioned last week, I am not available for work calls after 6 PM.”

Follow through with consequences. This doesn’t mean punishment – it means natural consequences that protect your boundary. If a colleague emails you after hours expecting immediate responses, you wait until the next business day to reply.

Consistency is everything. If we hold your boundary on Tuesday but cave on Thursday, we’ve taught people that persistence pays off. They’ll keep pushing because sometimes it works.

But, we all slip up (everyone does!). When we cave on a boundary we meant to hold, that’s okay. What matters is what happens next. Acknowledge it: “I realized I didn’t hold my boundary yesterday when I answered your work call at 8 PM. Going forward, I’m sticking to what I said about after-hours availability.” Then simply return to holding your boundary. One slip doesn’t erase all your progress.

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Holding boundaries is a practice, not perfection. Some days will be easier than others. Some people will respect your boundaries immediately; others may take time to adjust.

The uncomfortable truth is that holding boundaries might mean some relationships change or end. But if a relationship only works when you have no limits, it wasn’t a healthy relationship to begin with.

But here’s the beautiful part: as you hold your boundaries consistently, you’ll notice something shift. The people who truly care about you will adjust. They’ll learn your limits and respect them. And you’ll have more energy for these meaningful relationships because you’re not depleting yourself maintaining unhealthy ones.

Your boundaries deserve to be held. You deserve to be respected.

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Need support navigating boundary challenges in your relationships? Mediation Services specializes in helping people communicate effectively even in difficult situations. Contact us to learn about our conflict resolution workshops and services.

Conflict happens everywhere – at home, in the grocery store, even in church. How we handle these tense moments can make all the difference, and one lesson that comes up time and again is the importance of being clear about both our needs and our boundaries.

In stressful situations, our emotions take the wheel.

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Think back to elementary school. Do you remember the What to Do When My Clothes Are on Fire lesson? Pre-lesson, the natural reaction to “Ack, I’m on fire!” would probably be running around in panicked circles screaming for help. Post-lesson, hopefully the immediate reaction would shift to a more useful stop, drop, and roll. The difference? Preparation.

It’s not so different with fiery emotions.

Preparation can help us be ready for the heat of conflict – especially when a practiced response is simple and easy to remember. It can be for specific situations, such as what we all went through during the Covid pandemic uncertainty, when having clear and kind phrases at the ready was helpful in navigating the tough situation together. Or it could be more general, where we prepare by learning to notice our body’s tightening alongside a defensive response and recognizing that a line has been crossed.

The thing about preparation though, is that it’s always easier in hindsight. In the moment, we often don’t know there is a line to be crossed until it actually happens. But when a line is crossed, we know.

How often do we rehearse what we should have said after a frustrating conversation? These retorts in our head can default towards defensive, but what if we reflected on what boundary we could have established and how it might have changed the situation? This sort of reflection and preparation helps us to respond better next time.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Let’s clear up a common misconception first. Healthy boundaries aren’t walls – they’re more like property lines. They don’t shut people out; they simply clarify what’s yours and what’s theirs (physical space, emotional energy, time, responsibilities, etc.).

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Why Boundaries Matter for Everyone

Boundaries prevent conflict before it starts. When you’re clear about your limits upfront, you eliminate the guesswork that leads to misunderstandings.

For example, at Mediation Services we’ve seen countless workplace disputes that could have been avoided with one conversation: “I handle urgent requests until 6 PM, but after that, it waits until tomorrow unless it’s a true emergency.”

Contrary to popular belief, boundaries like this don’t push people away – they enable healthier connections. When you’re clear about your limits, others know exactly how to respect you. This builds trust and reduces resentment on both sides. Remember: clear is kind.

And on the personal level, boundaries protect your well being. Without them, you become everyone’s emotional dumping ground, unpaid therapist, and 24/7 problem solver. This isn’t sustainable. Boundaries ensure you have enough energy left for what truly matters to you.

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How to Set Boundaries That Stick

First, identify a relationship you’re within that leaves you feeling drained or resentful. Name the specific behaviour (or behaviours!) that’s crossing your line.

Then, use this framework to have a boundary conversation:

1. State the boundary clearly: “I don’t discuss work issues during family dinner.”
2. Explain briefly if needed: “This time is important for connecting with my kids.”
3. Offer an alternative: “Let’s schedule 15 minutes tomorrow morning to talk through it.”

Congratulations! You’ve set a boundary.

Does this sound daunting and scary? No worries, you don’t overhaul your entire life overnight. Pick one area where you need stronger boundaries and practice there first. It can be as simple as not checking work emails after 6 PM or limiting phone calls during family time.

If this still feels like a lot, pick something that is about holding a boundary with yourself, like keeping your phone outside of the bedroom once it’s bedtime. And yes, a lot of these examples have to do with phone usage; it’s a common area of challenge! This private contract with yourself can help build confidence for holding boundaries in other areas of your life.

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Holding Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is good, but it’s equally important to hold them. Read part two of this boundary conversation, where we talk about holding boundaries and how to handle pushback.

When it comes to resolving conflict, the phrase clear is kind holds powerful truth. At first, we might bristle at the statement – worrying, “Being direct or blunt could hurt others’ feelings!” But what of the alternative? Conflicts often arise or worsen because people fail to communicate their needs, feelings, or boundaries clearly. Vague messages or beating around the bush can leave others guessing, which leads to frustration or even resentment.

So let’s try that again: clear is kind. Maybe, just maybe…avoiding ambiguity and speaking with kindness can help prevent misunderstandings, reduce frustration, and build stronger connections?

Clear and honest communication shows respect and care, even if it means a bit of discomfort in speaking up.

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For example, imagine the following situation bubbling up around the office water cooler:

After a long morning meeting, you are in the lunch room taking a break to clear the mind and caffeinate the soul. The coffee machine beeps and you scuttle over to help yourself. Your colleague, Gary, is at the microwave making a snack.

YOU: “Would you like a cup of coffee”? (turning to colleague)
GARY: “Oh please. You never listen to me!” (stalks off back to their cubicle)
YOU: “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays…” (muttering to yourself)

Annnnnnd…scene!

Clearly, Gary is upset about something. But not so clearly, is what it is about.

How would you feel in this situation? Attacked, confused, defensive…lots of emotions without any ground to properly respond.

What if Gary had instead clarified, saying, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted during meetings.”

Oh! Now, this points directly to the problem and invites a constructive response that could change the outcome drastically.

How to Be Clear and Kind

Being clear doesn’t mean being harsh. It means choosing words thoughtfully and expressing yourself honestly while caring about the other person’s feelings. Here are some techniques to get you started:

• Use “I” statements: Speak from your own experience to avoid blame. For instance, “I feel overwhelmed when plans change without notice,” rather than, “You always mess up our plans.”
• Be specific: Avoid vague complaints. Instead of saying, “You’re inconsiderate,” try, “When you cancel last minute, it disrupts my schedule.”
• Express needs clearly: It’s okay to tell others what you need. Saying, “I need some quiet time to focus,” sets a clear boundary.
• Listen actively: Clarity isn’t just about speaking; it’s also about hearing. Reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding, like, “So you’re feeling frustrated because _____?”

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Being clear means having the courage to say what you really mean, which also means you have to do the work to clarify for yourself what the root of the problem is.

This effort pays off in dividends. By addressing issues directly, it prevents repeated arguments and misunderstandings. When people know you speak honestly and kindly, they feel safer opening up. It removes guesswork and anxiety around interpreting unclear messages. All of this fosters respect and deeper connection.

In conflict resolution, avoiding tough conversations may feel like kindness, but often just prolongs pain and confusion. Choosing to be clear, even when it’s uncomfortable, is a genuine act of kindness. It respects others enough to trust them with your honest feelings and empowers everyone involved to find understanding and healing.

Stop tiptoeing around conflict and remember: clear is kind.

Anger is a fiery emotion; taking us from minding-our-own-business to ready-to-fight in a literal heartbeat. It can be fuel for both transformation and destruction, and so it’s worth considering carefully so that we don’t get burned.

Anger’s origins are from an ancient place: the amygdala, which is the fear and anger center of the brain. Here, we have an effective alarm system that reacts to perceived threats: the heart rate rises, blood flow increases to the muscles, and attention narrows…all healthy responses to an immediate sense of danger.

In human evolution, anger increased our odds to survive in the wilds. But survival in the modern world looks different than it once did, and here there is a maladaptive side to its force.

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Quick reactions, like those fuelled by anger, often lead to outcomes full of regret. Getting stuck in the emotion leads to hypervigilance – which affects our relationships, our trust mechanisms, and our ability to conjure up a sense of context. Anger leads to personal attacks instead of problem-solving.

In other words, it’s true that anger can get us in a lot of trouble if its fire is not managed. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore it or push it away too quickly.

Anger is a functional signal that a boundary has been crossed. The seed of anger is good, healthy, and important – but if it’s held onto and/or funneled into reactive behavior, then it’s problematic for both ourselves and those we’re in relationship with.

These days we’re trying to get along around the water cooler, not competing for resources around the savannah’s competitive watering hole. But sometimes our biology doesn’t know the difference.

We’ve all been there:

We’re in the middle of a disagreement, and suddenly our heart races, our voice rises, and anger takes the driver’s seat. In that moment, calm logic often takes the back seat – and what could have been a productive conversation turns into a heated battle.

In conflict, anger narrows focus and fuels the defensive urge of “I need to prove I’m right!”. This leads to fight-or-flight reactions, making communication less than effective.

For example, if you feel angry when a coworker interrupts you, it’s a signal that a line has been crossed and you feel disrespected.

How does this feel in the body? A tight jaw, clenched fists, racing heartbeat, shallow or fast breathing…

How does this take shape in our thinking? An urge to interrupt, all-or-nothing thinking (“They always…”), a focus on winning…

Even in just the imagination, our heartbeat rises. That’s the amygdala at work.

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Here are some common triggers:

• Feeling unheard or dismissed
• Broken promises or unmet expectations
• Disrespectful tone or body language
• Perceived injustice or unfair treatment

Notice anything surprising about this list? Each trigger is perfectly reasonable for us to be angry about! The paradox of anger is that it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Anger is like an alert system; telling you when something feels unfair, when boundaries have been crossed, or when values are threatened.

It’s what we do after a line is crossed that can either point us towards transformation or destruction.

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A good starting point for working with anger is to notice the internal clues that it’s bubbling up (like the body and thinking suggestions in the previous example). Then, rather than plow forward with a reactive response, we can heed the warning and try to introduce a bit of space with a cooling off strategy:

• Pause and excuse yourself (the time-out strategy).
• Consciously slow your breathing (inhale 4 seconds, exhale 6 seconds).
• Name the feeling to yourself (“I feel frustrated”, etc).
• Embrace curiosity and reframe “They’re wrong” to “How can we fix this?”

Then, we do the other thing that is one of humanity’s evolutionary strengths: we communicate. In situations with a lot of emotionality fuelling anger, try to address actions directly rather than associate them with the other person’s character (this can prevent a reciprocal wildfire of defensiveness).

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Think of anger like fuel – a little heat can spark honest conversation, but too much can blow the situation up. It can help us stand up for ourselves, or it can have us saying things we soon regret.

When channelled well, anger energizes us to take action. Many personal changes and social movements start with someone getting mad enough to do something about a problem.

That said, there is a point where it is time to walk away (…another one of our evolutionary marvels??). When voices are raised and no one is listening, or you feel like saying something you regret, emotions are too high for problem solving.

Walking away is not quitting – it’s resetting for better results.

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That’s just the tip of the iceberg on this subject. We have a training course “Dealing with Anger” coming up in Winnipeg, and we’d love for you to join us as we unpack it further. Current program options will be on November 4 & 5 (2025) or May 5 & 6 (2026) – please visit our full training page for more details and registration. And, if you’ve missed out or can’t make it, keep an eye on future programming where it’s sure to be offered again.

It’s also worth highlighting our companion course that is presented as an online on-demand webinar: Dealing with Defensiveness. It is available right now and any time that you may need it.