Author: mediation-writer

Ah, social media — the place where we connect with others like we used to around the water cooler.

Picture this:

You’re on break at work and swipe open your social-media-app-of-choice for a quick touch-in to feel a little less burnt out. Perfect vacations, promotions, and happy families scroll by and…wait, is that inadequacy you’re feeling? Time’s up and it’s back to work, feeling less refreshed than you’d hoped from the digital hearts and lols.

Does some flavour of this sound familiar? We can’t help but compare ourselves to others.

Social comparison is deeply rooted in our biology and evolution as humans. Our ancestors survived by living in groups, and comparison was a fundamental mechanism for orientation within those groups. It still is, but when doing so online it doesn’t include the full picture.

Think about it: do you share every aspect of your life openly online? Most of us curate the experiences we put out, presenting a polished version of our lives.

The highlight reels of our online profiles belie our more complex existences. And when we mistake someone’s highlight reel for their complete reality, we create a foundation for misunderstandings and conflict.

---

The psychology behind social media curation

It is a natural human tendency to present our best selves publicly – online, as we’ve mentioned, but notably offline too (when we introduce ourselves to someone at a party, we keep the elevator pitch surface-level). We all know we’re not perfect, but we all want others to see us as doing well. Emphasis in this context should be on all, meaning that when we meet someone new at a party they’re putting their best foot forward too.

Catching ourselves in unfair comparison at a party is one thing, but it’s even more difficult online. Digital communication tends to be devoid of the nuanced subtext of being a human; body language that we unconsciously register is nowhere to be found. Further, there’s the algorithm to contend with: an invisible hand that serves up dopamine hit after dopamine hit of engaging content.

How misinterpretation leads to conflict

Just like a car mirror is plastered with the caution, “Objects in rearview mirror may appear closer than they are,” perhaps a social media app should pop up an occasional warning, “Social media consumption may skew one’s perception of others.” But we all know this would be futile and that, after closing that window a couple of times, we would stop registering the admonishing words.

Conflict will inevitably bubble up, but when it does try to remember: social media’s highlight reels skew our perceptions of others. Your viewpoint might not be accurate.

Since warnings don’t always work, here are some common scenarios to watch for where social media misinterpretations can lead to conflict:

• Family conflicts arise from perceived lifestyle differences.
• Workplace tensions form when colleagues appear more successful online.
• Friendships are tested when social media posts are misinterpreted.
• Relationships are questioned when partners compare with idealized versions of others online.

We’ve all heard the truthful saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” True – and it’s also kindling for division.

When we swipe open our social-media-app-of-choice for a quick touch-in there absolutely are positives beyond the perils we’re alluding to. Still, misinterpretations such as these can (and do) result in real-world misunderstandings and conflicts that need to be managed.

---

Practical tips for social media usage

And so, without further ado, here are four practical tips for social media users:

1. Remember that social networking shows life’s highlights, not the complete story.
2. Initiate direct conversations when feeling triggered by someone’s post.
3. Practice mindfulness about your own posting habits, reflecting on your motivations and the potential impact of your content rather than posting impulsively or seeking validation.
4. Take periodic breaks from social platforms – “touch grass” as the elders say (has any elder actually said this!?).

Every single person is multi-dimensional and has a lot going on in life – upbringing and heritage, opportunity and hardship, health and unhealth. What we present to others is never the full picture – heck, even the story of “me” we present to ourselves leaves out all of the aspects we’re unaware of.

There is always more to someone than what’s at the surface.

The problem with digital communication

Communication is key to relationships, and it’s safe to say that it’s going through an evolution as we do more and more of that digitally. To say that this progress is linear, however, is to overlook the growing pains that come with learning something new.

In our hyper-connected world, we’re sending more messages than ever before. The average person exchanges at least 10 texts daily (source), yet many report feeling increasingly misunderstood. This disconnect stems from what’s missing in digital exchanges: tone, facial expressions, and real-time feedback that humans evolved to rely on for thousands of years.

We’ve attempted to bridge this gap with emojis and GIFs. While helpful, these tools often create their own confusion. A simple thumbs-up emoji, for example, can signal approval to one person and passive-aggression to another. Further, message interpretation varies significantly across generations and cultures.

And then what happens when a miscommunication happens? Conflict! And if it’s not handled well: 😠😭🔥!!!

---

Intentions matter

“It’s no longer about the intentions of the speaker, it’s how the listener heard it.”

• Jonathan Haidt

Anyone who has been online or read the news in the last decade can feel the cultural shift that Jonathan Haidt is pointing at. And it’s a reality that is exhausting.

Consider Grandma commenting on your new girlfriend’s appearance at Christmas dinner: “Oh, you’re so pretty, dear! And not too skinny like all those models. You’ve got a healthy appetite – I like that in a woman!”

In person, you can quickly tell if Grandma was trying to be hurtful or just awkwardly complimenting in a way that feels outdated and potentially body-shaming.

Intentions matter – and, most of the time, people aren’t trying to be jerks. We’re very quick to call other people out these days, but there are times when it’s more fruitful to call each other in.

“Grandma,” you might say later in private, “I know you meant well, but commenting on someone’s body or eating habits is not cool. It can make them uncomfortable, even when it’s meant as a compliment.”

And doing so, a fight averted and better place to move forward.

Finding balance in a digital world

Our actions ripple outward and the outside view might not match our own perspective, but that doesn’t diminish the original intention.

A text message is devoid of body language. Was it actually sent curtly, or was it just a quick response amidst a lot of other things going on that day? Were they actually ghosting you, or do they just not get along with technology? Did they actually insult you, or did autocorrect stuff unintended words into their mouth?

It’s best to be careful with assuming anything when filling in communication blanks; instead, ask for clarification when there’s doubt or uncertainty. Try texting back asking for more details or embrace the old-school technology of “a phone call.”

Curiosity is always a good value to bring to the face of a conflict. This goes for both digital and in-person communication, but is more often overlooked in the distanced digital realms than with Grandma at Christmas dinner.

---

Being a modern human isn’t always easy, but with a little bit of care we can be better suited for the task.

Consider which medium best suits your message. Complex emotional conversations deserve voice or video calls. Quick updates work well as texts. Being intentional about how you communicate can prevent misunderstandings before they start.

And when things do inevitably sometimes bubble up into conflict, recognize that this is natural and try to avoid making it worse by doubling down. A defensive response only leads to division and conversations where people are yelling without listening to each other, when the reality is that it’s quite possible there is a misunderstanding at the root of the issue.

The evolution of digital communication isn’t about abandoning traditional forms, but instead finding a balance between them. By acknowledging both the benefits and limitations of our digital tools, we can communicate more effectively across these mediums and all the ones yet to come.

When someone is good at what they do, from the outside it appears as a smooth ride. They do it so well and all the rough edges have been worked out by experience. There is no friction to grab our attention.

A fellow expert sees this and appreciates that this is the refined result of much time devoted to honing their craft. But another person – one who has less experience in the observed realm – might look at the exact same process and mistake it as simple.

As such, mastery can sometimes quietly slip under the radar; the illustion of simplicity belying the careful hand presenting sushi, creating art, or managing people.

---

We explored the Dunning-Kruger effect in our last article, unpacking the idea that people with the least competence often have the highest confidence in their abilities. But the other side of overestimating your own inexperienced ability, is to underestimate other peoples’ skill.

Rolling sushi, for example, is easy…until we actually try it. When we fumble our first attempts, we typically are humbled pretty quickly and come to respect the skill of a sushi chef – care for ingredients and years of learning to present a simple roll, just so. Unfortunately however, as we get older we don’t throw ourselves into new things as often and so many times we never learn the hard way like this and undervalue other people’s talents more than they deserve.

---

The illusion of simplicity is a cognitive bias where people underestimate the complexity of a task or situation by focusing only on the most visible aspects – neglecting underlying complexity or nuance. This bias leads us to oversimplify complex problems, resulting in incorrect assumptions and flawed decisions.

“Sure,” you might agree, “I can totally think of examples of where other people have underestimated my talents like this. But I am the exception and don’t make that same mistake.”

Not quite! We are all susceptible to this line of thinking because by its nature, it is a blind spot – which, by its definition, is blind. Assuming otherwise leads to a resistance to learning and dismissal of feedback – a place devoid of growth and fertile for conflict.

Let’s consider a workplace example:

A marketing team is tasked with redesigning the company’s website. The project manager, Alex, has some basic knowledge of web design from watching tutorials and attending a weekend workshop. When the company’s experienced web designer, Maya, presents a comprehensive plan that includes user experience research, accessibility considerations, and technical requirements, Alex dismisses many of her recommendations as “unnecessarily complex.”

When Maya attempts to explain why certain technical considerations are critical for discoverability and user engagement, Alex interrupts with, “Let’s not overcomplicate things. We can just use a template and be done in half the time.”

In his rookie mindset, Alex is unable to recognize expertise and believes website design is relatively straightforward based on his limited exposure. He fails to appreciate Maya’s years of specialized knowledge and the complexity underlying the creation of an effective website. He sees only the visible end product without understanding the expertise required to make it function properly and serve business goals – simple in its form, sure, but not because it is simple.

The consequences become evident when the rushed website launches with poor mobile responsiveness, slow loading times, and accessibility issues that alienate customers and harm the company’s reputation.

Whoops – it turns out that when the invisible requisite steps to get to an end goal are missed, we end up somewhere both unexpected and undesired.

---

There is a risk that comes with not acknowledging the illusion of simplicity. We can try our best, but sometimes we inadvertently overlook the expertise of others which leads to…issues. Beyond websites, this underestimating of others can extend into any of our relationships and breed conflict. What if Alex had responded differently to Maya’s suggestions?

While confict is natural, it’s important to recognize our blind spots and engage with them curiously rather than with defensiveness. This is reason #107 that we recommend everyone enrols in our FREE Conflict 101 webinar. Deepen your education with our specific on-demand program for Dealing with Defensiveness.

We can demystify conflict with a psychological approach, and seeing through the illusion of simplicity is just one of the many opportunities to do so.

Have you ever met someone who was absolutely convinced of their expertise in an area where they clearly lacked basic knowledge? Or perhaps you’ve caught yourself feeling overly confident about a skill, only to be humbled when faced with someone who knows more? You’re not alone. This common psychological phenomenon has a name: the Dunning-Kruger effect.

The Dunning-Kruger effect describes our tendency to overestimate our abilities. First identified by psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger in 1999, this cognitive bias reveals a troubling pattern: those with the least competence often have the highest confidence in their abilities.

This isn’t just about a few overconfident individuals. The research shows that this is a widespread human tendency:

• 42% of engineers at a company rated themselves in the top 5% of performers (link to study).
• 88% of American drivers consider their driving skills above average (link to study).
• Similar patterns appear across health knowledge, leadership skills, ethics, and countless other domains.

Mathematically, these self-assessments are impossible. We can’t all be above average – that’s simply not how averages work.

---

What makes the Dunning-Kruger effect particularly insidious is what Dunning and Kruger called a “double curse”. First, we make mistakes and poor decisions. But second, those very same knowledge gaps prevent us from catching our errors.

This creates a perfect storm of unbeknownst incompetence paired with unwarranted confidence. Without the necessary expertise to evaluate performance in a domain, people simply can’t see where they’re falling short.

The consequence? Perspectives between oneself and others don’t match up, which can often lead to conflict in our relationships.

Consider this college debate tournament study, where the bottom 25% of teams lost nearly 80% of their matches – yet believed they were winning about 60% of the time. Without understanding debate principles, the students couldn’t recognize when their arguments failed.

A similar blindspot occurs when confronting conflict in our homes, workplaces, and communities. We believe we’re doing well most of the time, even though that might not be the case – especially from another person’s perspective. It’s worth noting that this is natural and we all do it. But, unchecked, it is problematic.

Interestingly, the relationship between competence and confidence isn’t a straight line. It typically follows this pattern:

• Beginners (Low Competence): Often have disproportionately high confidence because they don’t know enough to recognize their limitations.
• Intermediate Learners: Experience a confidence drop as they learn enough to recognize how much they don’t know. These people often have less confidence than beginners despite having more skill.
• Experts: Generally have accurate self-assessments of their abilities, but they make a different mistake – assuming others share their knowledge level.

The Dunning-Kruger effect creates a bubble of inaccurate self-perception that affects people at all skill levels. Without experience, we don’t know enough to be able to identify our own faults. And with expertise, we don’t realize how our abilities are exceptional and fail to empathize.

This bubble of self-deception distorts our decision-making. When we overestimate our financial knowledge, for example, we might make poor investment choices. When we think we’re better at reading emotions than we actually are, we misinterpret social situations. Are you starting to see the pattern here? These overconfident self-assumptions can lead to serious consequences in our personal and professional lives.

What makes this effect particularly challenging is its invisibility to those experiencing it. We don’t know what we don’t know, and that blindness feels exactly like expertise.

---

How can we overcome this psychological trap and gain a more accurate view of our abilities? First, ask for feedback from trusted people (a boss/colleague, a friend, etc), and consider it even if it’s hard to hear. Second, and perhaps more importantly, embrace a beginner’s mind and keep learning no matter our skill level.

A wise approach is to assume that we all have blind spots. With this baseline of humility, we approach our self-assessments with healthy skepticism, and not take corrections so personally.

Remember the old saying: “When arguing with a fool, first make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.”

So, you’ve set some resolutions as targets and are in the trenches making your way towards them, one determined army crawl at a time. Two days in, you feel pretty good about your efforts. An unexpected reaction blows up and sends dust all over your face; you roll to the side and sidle the crater now in place of what appeared to be solid ground. Two months in…you’re a little uncertain that you’re heading in the right direction anymore.

Emotions get involved with things we care about – especially when uncertainty is involved. They have a funny way of swinging us from one extreme (motivated!) to the other (despair!), making willpower unreliable and skewing our perception of progress.

It begs the question: how can we orient on a long and probably non-linear path from point A to point B?

---

Consider both a yardstick and a compass; each is a tool that can be used to navigate somewhere. 
A yardstick focuses on measuring distance – how far we’ve come and how far we still need to go. A compass, in contrast, guides by direction rather than distance. When we veer off course, we simply realign and continue forward.

Metaphorically speaking, both of these approaches line up for how we can navigate our goals.

The yardstick, in this case, is rigid measurement which often breeds perfectionism and judging ourselves as failing if we fall even a millimeter short of our idealized destination.

The compass approach, on the other hand, transforms our goals in several effective ways:

• It replaces rigid perfectionism with flexible guidance.
• It focuses on agile growth and learning rather than fixed endpoints.
• It allows for course corrections without self-judgment and lessens defensiveness. 
Practically speaking, this translates to shifting from the question of Have I achieved my goal? to Am I moving in the direction of my values? – whether two months into your efforts, or two years.

Sometimes, the process of achieving a goal is slower than we might wish (it certainly does not happen overnight.). Moreover, uncertainty is inherent because not everything is within our control: a job termination, a financial misfortune, a breakup…moments like these are pivotal transitions that leave us scrambling for stable ground.*

When we think we have to figure out everything all at once, the path forward becomes occluded with anxiety and difficult to see. If we try to measure by distance, the numbers loom large and it’s easy to fall prey to catastrophic thoughts.

In such moments we need to reorient ourselves, for the path forward is found through a culmination of small, consistent actions and decisions made day after day. Remember how we can orient to our internal compass and stay steady in following it. We focus our energy on the next small step in that direction, even when we don’t know what the next one will be.

---

This directional approach naturally aligns with a growth mindset. Challenges become learning opportunities rather than failures, and setbacks are simply moments to reorient ourselves toward our chosen direction.

Wishful thinking can be healthy. It orients us into an uncertain future, allowing us to find hope and possibility in each step. But: it requires many little actions to get there.

Remember: A yardstick measures how far, but the compass in our pocket shows us which way to go.

Gather ‘round as we tell a story that’s as old as time: that of The Overnight Success.

After a full day of work, you flop down on the couch and turn on the television to see what you missed in the Olympics. Exuberant text flashes across the bottom of the screen as slow-motion replays show every angle of a moment of glory, and excited announcers exclaim that a child prodigy has broken a record in the 100-meter sprint.

“Wow!” you also exclaim, to no one but you and your cat. But a tinge of comparison prompts further musing: “That’s amazing but…I sure wasn’t doing that at that age (or any age for that matter).” Your cat looks back at you knowingly.

Ah, comparison – also known as the thief of joy.

From an outside perspective, it’s tempting to assume that the Olympic champion was born ready for competition or, at the very least, had their success come easy. And while there undoubtedly are factors of talent / genetics / opportunity at play, once upon a time every Olympian was a toddler wobbling across the floor just like the rest of us.

Even for a toddler’s first steps, it might seem like the little one just stood up one day and decided to walk – but this overlooks all of the efforts that led to that pivotal moment. While the path to gold medal glory is a few steps beyond this, it’s not so different in that there were many unseen steps taken before a goal was achieved.

The myth of overnight success leaves out all of the muscle development, failed attempts, bruised knees, and determination it took to reach the milestone.

---

Success doesn’t happen overnight. To assume so discredits the hours / years / lifetime of hard work that added up to it. Yet, often we compare our messy work-in-progress with others’ final results. Not only is this unreasonable, it also saps our personal willpower and motivation when it comes to learning new things – because how can we measure up?

We can see this when it comes to conflict – or rather, when we’re learning to deal with conflict better. The path to progress is nonlinear with many peaks and valleys. When it gets difficult or you make a mistake, it can be tempting to conclude that it’s simply not your strength. Better to leave it to the experts (gestures nebulously towards the Mediation Services team) and give up.

But let’s not jump to conclusions prematurely.

Recognizing when we’re getting down on ourselves because of an unreasonable comparison is important because it leaves out the wholeness of someone else’s experience. When this happens, remember that what might appear as sudden mastery is actually the culmination of developmental building blocks stacked one upon another.

Just as a child doesn’t suddenly wake up knowing how to read, other skills don’t arrive fully formed. They are built through daily efforts, stumbles, and small victories – moments when no one is watching and progress can seem frustratingly slow. Developing mastery comes not because there weren’t any setbacks; it comes because we stick with it despite the setbacks.

---

It is indeed daunting to stay consistent in our efforts, but the good news is that you aren’t alone in the challenge of learning new things. It’s just a part of it – and empathizing with others in this helps us understand the broader arc of life and that they too have faced this frustration (gestures nebulously towards the Mediation Services team). Action beats waiting for motivation, and understanding this shared humanity serves as a healthy personal inspiration to show up.

There’s no escaping the time required to refine skills, which extends beyond our physical abilities to our role in relationships. With time, we can become a better athlete. With time, we can become a better partner, friend, and colleague. This iterative process is the key to growth, and it’s done quietly and often without public recognition.

---

We’ve used a lot of different examples to unpack the idea of overnight success. One our team obviously specialize in is conflict resolution, and in this we invite you to join us for a training (online or in-person) to kickstart your learning in that regard. It comes with homework: applying it to your life. But don’t worry, if you have questions or your efforts fall flat, we’re here to support in whatever way we can if you need it (contact us here).

The story of overnight success isn’t about a penultimate moment of triumph, but about the countless hours of development that made that moment possible. It’s about understanding that every great achievement is simply the visible peak of a mountain of effort, determination, and persistence.

So let’s get inspired to attend to difficult things! Career, finances, relationships – just like learning to walk or becoming an Olympian, individual moments in the various facets of our lives add up to the longer arc of success.

New year, new you – at least, that’s how the marketing goes.

It’s tempting to make a noble wish for big change. And doing so is useful for orienting in the direction we want to go – sometimes continuing on with our personal mission statement, and other times deciding to pivot in a new direction.

But, it’s important to note, drastic changes rarely happen overnight. Who we were on December 31st doesn’t get left behind when we flip the calendar to January and so we need to work with the complexity that is the present, even when we step boldly into the future.

---

Research that looks closer at New Year’s resolutions paints a picture of how they tend to play out:

• In the first week, about 77% of people maintain their resolutions. Yay!
• By the end of the month (goodbye January), the number decreases to 55%. Hrm…
• Six months in, only 40% of people can remember their resolutions. Uh oh.

Resolve drops off precipitously over time – so let’s sigh a collective breath of relief in realizing that we’re not alone in the struggle. But that doesn’t mean that resolutions are a bad thing, because those who made resolutions (resolvers) reported higher success at the six-month mark than non-resolvers interested in changing a similar problem (46% versus 4%).

---

We can develop helpful habits in the resolution process that improve our chances of reaching our goals.

One of the most striking findings is this: how we frame our resolutions dramatically impacts our success. People who set approach-oriented goals (“I will eat more vegetables”) achieved a higher success rate than those with avoidance-oriented goals (“I will stop eating junk food”).

Phrasing the goal as a positive statement, instead of a negative one, makes it easier for the brain to comprehend. It gives us an action to latch on to, which gets us closer to actually doing said positive action.

Another important element is accountability. Reporting on our progress greatly increases our chances at goal-oriented success. However, there is a fine balance when calling in external support: routine check-ins and shared guidance can feel better than going it alone, but excessive structure can result in the sense that someone is breathing down our neck. Too much pressure becomes counterproductive and feeling ashamed about setbacks can lead us to give up. In this regard, each of us needs to figure out the sweet spot that makes the most sense for who we are.

One common resolution we see at Mediation Services is to improve personal relationships that are stuck in some aspect of struggle. A family feud, a fading friendship, or neighbours literally divided by a fence and the disagreement around its existence….relationships take work and facing the conflict inherent to them benefits from bolstered commitment at any time of the year.

With this in mind, here are some practical strategies for your conflict resolution resolutions:

1. Set Interim Goals: Rather than focusing solely on year-end targets, break your resolution into smaller, manageable chunks. Temporally closer goals (ie: next week, instead of next year) effectively mobilize our efforts and determine our immediate actions.
2. Create Specific Measures: Transform vague intentions into concrete actions. Instead of “repair relationship with best friend,” specify “send best friend a text message every Monday and Wednesday.” This clarity helps track progress and maintain motivation.
3. Build Support Systems: Social support significantly impacts success. Identify a specific person to support your journey and share your progress with them regularly. Make sure they are someone you can trust to support you even if you fumble. We don’t always get it right the first time; the important thing is to not stop trying. That’s easier to do when we have others cheering us on.

---

Success in maintaining resolutions goes beyond the specific goal that drives us. Being intentional about our approach helps to break out of procrastination tendencies. Having adequate structure in the process helps to break out of the willpower myth – where instead of waiting to be blessed with the right mood / muse / motivation, we simply begin.

Whatever the result, rather than viewing resolutions as pass/fail challenges, it’s healthy to consider them as opportunities for incremental improvement. When we look back at the turn of next year, chances are we’ll see growth on the far side of all the stepping stones it took to get there.

There are many ways to measure a year. Four seasons, 365(ish) days, 13 moons…the calendar offers many metrics. Cups of coffee, number of steps taken, books read…the events of life offer many others.

Looking back at what happened at Mediation Services over 2024, we have our own set of numbers to reflect upon:

• 200 restorative justice sessions were scheduled with community volunteers, providing people who have experienced harm and those who have done harm a step towards healing through more understanding and accountability.
• More than 850 people received conflict-engagement supports, training, or resources.
• Winnipeggers from Palestine and Israel came together in circle to listen, dialogue, and share.
• Men exiting prison gained access to communication workshops to help build their skills and understanding.
• 134 people connected for family mediation, ensuring healthier outcomes for all.

Whatever way you measure it, 2024 was a full year and much was accomplished thanks to the contributions of staff, volunteers, and participants – all supported by the generosity of our funders.

It is this financial support that makes it possible to create these safe spaces both in-person and online. Donations help eliminate wait lists, expand our vital programs, ensure folks have safe spaces to address conflict, and give people in despair an opportunity to reclaim their lives.

Engaging with conflict is essential for a happy, healthy community. It helps people become better listeners and communicators with more empathy – and to see the humanity in each other. The more people learn these skills, the safer our community will be – now, and for future generations to come.

Donate today to support what we do tomorrow.

We’re in December! Time flies and sometimes it’s hard to believe, but the snow and short days outside serve as a stubborn reminder of when we are.

As another year draws to a close, Mediation Services will be taking a brief pause to allow our team time to rest and rejuvenate. The office and operations will be closed between December 23rd and January 3rd.

While we may be taking a break, conflict doesn’t always follow the same schedule. Holiday gatherings often come with unexpected challenges. It’s probably a good idea to revisit our guide to being a respectful/amicable/good guest at dinner parties. And perhaps it’s also the perfect time to try the FREE Conflict 101 webinar we put together this year?

The office and our inboxes will reopen on Monday, January 6th at 8:30 AM, from which we dive into 2025 together!

“The sky is falling!” goes the famous exclamation from the European folk tale Chicken Little. When an acorn falls on Henny Penny’s head, the chick jumps to this most extreme conclusion and goes on a journey to tell the king. Along the way, he meets many animals who join in his quest…which probably should have included humans because we are prone to catastrophizing in the very same way.

This story remains relevant because it illustrates how quickly minor setbacks or misinterpretations can become perceived disasters, leading to panic and overreaction. Catastrophic thinking can spread and escalate when others join in the hysteria – whether in make-believe, in the office, or in the amplifying force of social media. As such, it highlights the importance of addressing such thinking early before it gets out of hand.

---

Catastrophizing is imagining the worst. It’s taking a difficult situation and interpreting it as being horrible, terrible, and unrecoverable. It often starts with a genuine setback, like an acorn falling on the head or a disagreement at work, but then the thinking mind spins it into the belief that something horrible is bound to happen – “The sky is falling!” or “My career is over!”

At its root, catastrophizing is about our habitual response to challenges or shortcomings – a cognitive distortion that is the result of some past hardships, painful rejections, and failures. From these difficult experiences we trick ourselves into thinking, “If I can expect the worst, I can prevent it.” In reality, usually the exact opposite happens.

---

With conflict, a minor disagreement can become a worst-case scenario when fanned by the flames of catastrophizing.

Consider this workplace example:

Your coworker disagrees with your approach during a team meeting. Instead of seeing this as a normal professional difference of opinion, your mind rapidly escalates the situation.

Initial Thought: My coworker challenged my idea in the meeting.

Catastrophic Progression:

1. They must think I’m completely incompetent.
2. Everyone else probably agrees with them.
3. I’ll lose all credibility with the team.
4. I’ll never get promoted.
5. I might even get fired.
6. My career is essentially over.

And just like that, a career is over with a single challenge. But is it actually?

Taking a step back, we can admit that we aren’t at step 6 quite yet. However, what do you think will happen if we react with the anticipation of this worst-case scenario?

If we enter a discussion expecting hostility, we typically approach it with defensive or aggressive behaviour, which then provokes the very negative response we feared. This is a major factor in conflict management and mediation in general, and is explored further in the strategies presented in our Dealing with Defensiveness and Building a Respectful Workplace webinars (among others).

When we unwittingly find ourselves at step 6, the problem seems so big that the question frantically becomes, “What can I do!?”

Let’s slow down.

First, understand how this pattern of catastrophic thinking affects how you might address conflict (which naturally arises because difference is a part of life):

1. Emotional Escalation: When we catastrophize, we become trapped in a cycle of anxiety and fear, making it impossible to approach conflicts rationally. This heightened emotional state leads to defensive behaviour and poor communication choices.
2. Relationship Damage: The tendency to assume the worst possible outcomes can create unnecessary tension in professional relationships. When we catastrophize, we often become overly controlling or defensive, which stifles the open dialogue needed for effective conflict resolution.
3. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: When we expect the worst in conflict situations, we often inadvertently create it. If we enter a discussion expecting hostility, we typically approach it with defensive or aggressive behaviour, which then provokes the very negative response we feared.

Instead of viewing catastrophic thoughts as predictions of the future, we need to remember that we’ve had these thoughts before and survived similar situations. Stay focused on the current conflict rather than the imagined negative outcomes. Instead of “This conflict will destroy our relationship” think “This is a disagreement we can work through.”

Next steps usually involve a direct conversation. To discourage defensiveness in others, stay focused on the core issue. If the conversation does stray into the catastrophizing “what ifs”, redirect the conversation back to the actual issue at hand – gently. Use acknowledgment statements first, then guide the discussion back to the current situation actually faced.

Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. But by focusing energy on small actionables, we can find steps forward (stay tuned for more on this in a coming blog article).

---

Seeing the worst often invites the worst. Not only do we cut ourselves off from opportunities, we invite the exact problems we’re hoping to avoid. Fortunately, with a little bit of effort, our worst dreams are a fate that is far from sealed.