Author: mediation-writer

Most of us would bristle at any proximity to the label “dehumanization” – that’s what happens in genocides, hate movements, and the ugliest chapters of history. It’s something extreme people do. It isn’t something we do.

But John Paul Lederach, one of the world’s foremost practitioners of conflict transformation, would gently push back on that assumption. After nearly five decades working in some of the most violent and protracted conflicts on the planet (ethnic, religious, cross-cultural, and political in nature), he’s come to a striking conclusion: dehumanization doesn’t announce itself. It hides in the most ordinary corners of our lives.

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The slippery slope to dehumanization

Social groupings are a normal thing. When you’re part of a group, you have a certain identity which distinguishes you from other groups. We locate who we are by comparing ourselves with others. Much of this has a natural quality to it, but there comes a point at which polarization – that identity tied to a group – becomes toxic.

A key sign that natural grouping is shifting towards toxicity, is the slow descent into dehumanization; in other words, into humiliation: othering in a form that negates and invisibilizes the shared humanity of other people across our relationships and across this globe.

This dehumanization happens in a slippery, often unnoticed way – even as we participate in it. We tend to recognize it only if we see it in its most extreme forms, when it’s labelled racism, sexism, or the ilk that negates the very notion that the “other” is a fellow human being.

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Language as a bellwether of dehumanization

One of the clearest early signals that conflict is intensifying is a shift in language. Conversations that once dealt in specifics – this person, this situation, this harm – begin to shift into generalities. The particular dissolves into the categorical, the pronouns becoming “we” and “they”.

It sounds almost too simple to matter. But pay attention the next time you’re in the middle of a difficult disagreement – at work, in a family, in a neighbourhood dispute, or in a conversation about local politics. Notice how quickly the language slides from "I experienced this" to "they always do that." Notice how a whole group of people gets compressed into a single, undifferentiated “them”.

This shift towards generalization is where dehumanization quietly begins. Not with hatred, necessarily. Often just with fatigue, or frustration, or the very human need to make a complicated situation feel simpler. But the effect is the same: real people, with real complexity, get flattened into a category. And categories are much easier to dismiss, to blame, and eventually to harm.

The word we don’t have

Here’s something worth sitting with. Our dictionaries have an entry for dehumanization. We have research on it, language for it, and whole fields of study devoted to understanding how it happens. But most dictionaries have no entry for rehumanization – the process of finding our way back.

There is a gap here. We’ve become fluent in describing the descent. We haven’t developed nearly the same vocabulary – or the same imagination – for the return.

This asymmetry matters, because it shapes what we pay attention to. If dehumanization only counts when it reaches its most extreme and recognizable form – overt racism, targeted violence, systematic oppression – then we miss everything that leads there. We miss the slow drift, we miss ourselves in it, and we miss the opportunity to course-correct before things escalate further.

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Rehumanization in our daily lives

Rehumanization is the act of restoring human qualities to others. The work begins where we have access – in the conversations we’re actually part of, with the people we’re actually connected to.

That means noticing when our own language is drifting toward the categorical. It means asking, when we find ourselves thinking in terms of “those” people: who, specifically? What do I actually know about them? What am I assuming?

It means, in short, practicing a kind of deliberate particularity – refusing to let conflict flatten the people around us into symbols of whatever we’re afraid of or angry about. Instead, it means bringing compassion, patience, and humility to the conversation. These qualities aren’t reserved for diplomats (or even professional mediators).

None of this is easy. But the small, quiet work of rehumanizing others in our minds and in our language is not incidental to peacemaking. It is peacemaking – available to all of us, starting right now.

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More to come

We have several more blog articles on peacemaking planned for publication in the coming months. This is just the start – stay tuned.

Disrespect happens. No question about it. But when it does: to engage or not to engage? That becomes the real question.

Let’s quickly review what disrespect is:

Disrespect is about behaviour – disregard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others.

Note that disrespect often happens without us intending or realizing it because respect is in the eye of the beholder.

With this in mind, let’s circle back to the original question: when disrespect happens, should we engage with the person at the source of it? Or, putting it more personally, what would you want a colleague to do if you had offended them?

When we pose this question in our Building a Respectful Workplace workshop (available online or on-site), we consistently find that people want others to come talk to them. Their reasoning: “I didn’t know I offended them, so how am I supposed to deal with it unless someone comes to tell me?!”

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Every time we experience a moment of disrespect, there are two common patterns that emerge:

1. Silence: This includes a variety of responses that don’t address the issue with the source. We often do this because we are not certain how to respond, or we are afraid of making the situation worse. Paradoxically, one of the ways that exacerbates silence is talking about the situation with those who are not directly involved. These people will try to soothe us, which inadvertently leads us to not address the situation at its source. Silence can also lead to more rumination, which encourages us to hold on to the harm that has been caused, resulting in increased stress and suffering.
2. Aggression: Our discomfort can leak out in acts of aggression, both subtle and not-so-subtle. It can start with small ways of avoiding or excluding someone because we no longer feel safe with them. In some cases, it can also include challenging back in an aggressive way, resulting in escalation and our own acts of disrespect (this is not the same as being assertive).

Though there may be some wisdom in ignoring a first moment of disrespect or incivility, in most cases the only healthy options are to let it go (forgiving the moment – forever) or to talk about it. Letting a particular situation go only works if you do not hold the situation against the person and start responding to them differently.

If we would want other people to tell us when we’ve offended them, it’s probably the right thing for us to do the same for people who’ve offended us. Still, actually doing so feels risky. In speaking up, there is a real possibility that they won’t respond well – potentially turning it around, accusing you of something, and opening up an unexpected can of worms.

But there’s also a risk that comes with deciding to do nothing. If we don’t speak up and let the other person know what’s going on internally, the behaviour isn’t likely to change (and little acts of disrespect add up). We need to create an opportunity to actually fix the issue at hand when the other person isn’t aware of it.

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We encourage engagement, instead of procrastination and avoidance.

Engagement needs to be done skillfully for it to be effective (and to not make things worse!). In a sense, that’s what our entire blog is about – sharing tools and developing skills to better handle the inevitable disrespect and conflict that arises at work, at home, and in our communities. So as for the “how to’s”, please browse it to find ideas that work for you.

For the purposes of this article, we’ll instead point out a few times where not engaging is the wise choice:

• If defensiveness arises (in us or the other person), stepping back and returning with clearer heads is the wiser choice.
• Engagement is a practice for relationships that exist outside of the offending moment, not a crossing of paths with a stranger you’ll never meet again.
• There is a cultural norm to not directly engage, and doing so would be perceived as aggressive.

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Intrigued and want to learn more? We’ve got structured online webinars on Dealing with Defensiveness and Building a Respectful Workplace that you can start today. Or, if you’re more of an in-person learner, check out the upcoming trainings offered here in Winnipeg.

As we’ve already mentioned, there is plenty of free content for you to dig further into on our blog or through our Conflict 101 webinar.

Whichever way, we hope you’ll join us in continuing to learn more about being in relationship with family, community, and work.

Did you know that Mediation Services is governed by a Board of Directors? This team consists of volunteers from many sectors of the community who are responsible for our strategic direction, property, and funds. Together, they embrace our organizational values of care, collaboration, empowerment, and integrity.

Board positions are annual, and we put out a call for nominations every spring at the following “Get Involved” link:
https://www.mediationserviceswpg.ca/get-involved/board-of-directors/

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Governance And Operations

Our Board Policy Manual (updated every three years) is kept up-to-date alongside the list of current board members here on our website (it gets updated every three years), but it’s worth reiterating the heart of its role at Mediation Services.

The Board of Directors focuses on big-picture direction rather than day-to-day operations. The Board’s role is to ensure we stay true to our vision, mission, and values – and that we operate in a fiscally responsible, legally compliant, and ethical manner.

The Executive Director is the Board’s sole employee and is responsible for leading staff, managing programs, and turning the Board’s strategic directions into real-world impact. The Board sets high-level policies, regularly evaluates its own performance, and conducts an annual evaluation of the Executive Director to make sure the organization is well run.

A strong commitment is embodied to facilitate a respectful workplace, consensus-based decision making, and transparent governance practices. This includes clear policies on conflict of interest, fiscal responsibility, and community engagement.

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Our Direction For The Future

With member input, the Board has adopted the following three current strategic directions:

• Specialists: Be a hub of specialists in restorative justice.
• Awareness: Amplify the voice of restorative justice in Manitoba and beyond.
• Partnership: Enable the prevalence of restorative justice by working with others; make it the preferred and natural choice.

For community members, this means Mediation Services will continue to be a place where conflicts are met with compassion and structure, where people learn new skills, and where justice is understood as restoring relationships rather than simply assigning blame.

If you are interested in joining the Board now or in the future, please keep an eye on the Board of Directors nomination page (under the “Get Involved” menu dropdown) and watch for a call for nominations each spring (typically in March/April).

“Clear is kind,” they say, but the lingering sting from a blunt correction is something we’ve all experienced. Clear, sure – but kind? The words might not initially ring true.

The phrase "clear is kind" comes from researcher and author Brené Brown, who popularized it in her work on leadership and vulnerability. Brown argues that being clear in our communication (even when it’s uncomfortable!) is ultimately an act of kindness because it respects the other person enough to tell them the truth. The alternative, she suggests, is far worse: unclear feedback wrapped in false politeness that leaves people confused, anxious, and unable to improve.

Brown contrasts this with what she calls "unclear is unkind." When we soften our message so much that it becomes vague, or when we avoid difficult conversations altogether, we’re not actually being kind – we’re being self-protective. We’re prioritizing our own comfort over the other person’s right to know where they stand. The result is often a slow erosion of trust, as people sense something is wrong but can’t quite name it or address it.

Think about a manager who tells an employee, “You’re doing fine,” when performance is actually slipping. In the short term, the manager spares them embarrassment. But when a promotion passes them by or a performance review reveals hidden dissatisfaction, the message stings much more deeply. The initial vagueness wasn’t kindness – it was avoidance.

This principle emerged from Brown’s research on courage and leadership, where she found that the most effective leaders were willing to have hard conversations early and directly. They understood that temporary discomfort beats prolonged confusion every time. But here’s the crucial part that often gets lost: "clear is kind" doesn’t mean "brutal is kind." Clarity without cruelty is the goal. The phrase isn’t a license to be harsh; it’s an invitation to be honest in a way that honors both the truth and the person receiving it.

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Why Clarity Matters in Conflict

Let’s break down why clarity matters so much in conflict:

1. Emotions run high: In stressful situations, our emotions take the wheel. Preparation helps. Think of the “stop, drop, and roll” advice for fire safety – simple, clear, and easy to remember even when panic sets in. Having clear, kind phrases ready before conflict arises can help us respond thoughtfully instead of reacting on impulse. Or, when it’s a curveball conflict that catches us off guard, try to shift from an initial judgment to a stance of curiosity.

   Example: Your partner forgets to pick up a package up for you. Instead of snapping, try, “I really needed that today – could you please help me tomorrow?”

2. Clarity reduces confusion and escalation: Vague or emotional reactions usually make things worse. A clear, calm request lets people know exactly what we need and invites cooperation – not defensiveness.

   Example: At work, someone regularly talks over you at meetings. Instead of bottling it up or lashing out, say, “I’d like to finish my point before we move on.” The message is simple and respectful.

3. Clarity lets us advocate for ourselves: Sometimes we don’t even know what we want, so we end up feeling upset without a clear way to resolve it. Naming our need is the first step in solving any problem.
   

   Tip: When you feel angry or uncomfortable, pause and ask: “What would improve this for me right now?”

And then of course, we need to actively listen because a conversation always has two sides.

Strategies for Clarity in Everyday Situations

1. Check your interpretation: What judgment story are you telling yourself? Are you assuming your sibling is ignoring you on purpose, or might they simply be distracted? Give others the benefit of the doubt.
2. Make clear requests: Use concrete, non-accusatory language like “Could you lower the volume after 10pm?” and “I appreciate your input, but I’d like to share my thoughts too.”
3. Speak with kindness and empathy: A gentle approach where you try to speak so you are heard changes the whole mood. Try, “I understand everyone’s stressed at home – can we talk about chores for a minute?”
4. Prepare for resistance: People don’t always give us what we want right away. Stay calm, restate your need, and if needed, seek help or suggest alternatives.
5. Set boundaries and know when to step away: If a conversation becomes heated, it’s okay to pause – but make plans to come back together at a later time.

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Clear is kind – and also easier said than done. But when emotions are stirred up, it is in these exact moments where clarity is doubly important. The concept is applicable in a myriad of situations, including family, community, and work. We invite you to try out some of these strategies in your unique day-to-day life.

If you’re looking for some further structure to develop and practice these skills, we highly recommend you check out our live in-person training schedule and our library of readily available on-demand webinars.

If you’ve taken training with us before and are looking for your next step, we’re offering two upcoming courses in-person in Winnipeg. They are designed for people who already have a solid foundation in conflict resolution and want to sharpen how they apply those skills in real situations.

Both courses are practical, skills-based, and focused on real-world practice:

And if you’re reading this only to find that these dates have come and passed, fear not! Every year we offer a comprehensive schedule of live in-person courses. These highlighted two offerings (and others like it!) will more than likely be offered time and again, as we continue to refine the content based off of experience and feedback.

Or even better, sign up for our newsletter to be notified so that you don’t forget to check back!

We hope to see you soon.

Have you ever found yourself looking forward to your next cup of coffee, only to find that you don’t even notice it when you’re drinking it? Instead, the mind is time-traveling forward – thinking about what you’re going to do next.

If you’re human (and we’re guessing you are), a future-oriented viewpoint is often where we spend our time. This is useful in getting us to make or buy the coffee, but if we get stuck in this perspective it robs us of the moment where we actually get to enjoy it.

To the person in the back chirping “But I don’t drink coffee!”, let’s include you in this exercise too. Replace it with vacation or something else that excites you (chocolate – everyone likes chocolate!). This concept extends into relationships too (sharing dinner with the family, meeting up with a friend, etc).

Regardless of the example, being stuck in forward-thinking mode robs us of the satisfaction literally at our fingertips.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can pause and really notice the coffee, rather than being elsewhere in our minds. We can have a discussion with someone and actively listen to what they’re saying, rather than fixating on what we’ll say next.

There is a common mindset of “anticipation is better than actuality”, but if we dare to challenge it there is a ripeness to be found in the actuality too. Our default may not be the present moment (we’ll get to that in a moment), but with practice we can learn to touch into experience and discover what might be otherwise unnoticed.

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There are two different ways of taking in the world: thinking mode and sensing mode. All day, we are toggling between these two perspectives. Thinking serves us well with regards to past/future considerations, planning, and reflection. Being present and sensing our experiences (rather than just thinking about them), brings us back to what’s actually in front of us.

The perspective we take matters. Thinking is useful for planning and reflection, whereas presence enriches the quality of daily life. The toggling between thinking and sensing often happens without our participation, and both the pulls of the modern world and our innate defaults skew us towards thinking thinking thinking.

The Nature of Attention

Attention is a valuable resource. Where and how we place it can profoundly shift our perspective and relative experience. It is a powerful thing, but our biology and modern context present a few obstacles around it:

• Negativity Bias: Life is complicated and it is useful to be able to focus attention on one thing amidst everything happening simultaneously, but our biological proclivity is to focus on negative things for survival at the exclusion of all else.
• Future Orientation: We stay safe in the now by trying to control the future.
• Dopamine Front-loading: Research reveals why anticipation often feels sweeter than reality: our brains release more dopamine when looking forward to something than when experiencing it. This is an evolutionary quirk that kept our ancestors motivated.

When we combine these predispositions with the reality of our current attention economy, it makes sense that we are pulled into thinking mode so much.

However, despite all of this, there is still the present.

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The question becomes, how can we re-orient ourselves to the present? Because it is here that we can often find deeper satisfaction.

The brain is a muscle and, like any muscle, it can be trained over time. One system of doing so is to routinely bring one’s attention back to the senses – escaping the circular thoughts of the past and anticipation of potential futures.

Unfortunately, there is no quick way to develop this skill; it just takes practice. Such a program is beyond the scope of this blog post, so instead we highly recommend the resources that Oxford Mindfulness puts out. They’re a not-for-profit organization helping people achieve greater well-being and improved mental health through research-based mindfulness and meditation. In partnership with the University of Oxford, they develop easy-to-understand programs which combine mindfulness and psychological science.

A good starting point is their free “Introducing Mindfulness” program that is included in their OxfordMindfulness app (available for iOS and Android phones). This thorough introduction gives both tools and a container to practice them, providing a great opportunity to learn the skill we’ve talked about of intentionally switching between thinking and sensing modes.

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Although we focused our example on coffee for simplicity in this article, the concept of presence extends to how we show up in relationships, where it is a skill for both smooth times and the challenging ones. It is always valuable to recognize what is already at our fingertips.

Our satisfaction lives in the gap between expectation and reality. And as simple as it may sound, the act of tuning into the senses and mindfully bringing one’s attention back to the present moment is a powerful tool to embracing the fullness of living.

The year is 2026. Snow is falling on one of the longest nights of winter. There is no sun, but a lone light appears in the dark wall of windows. Hark: a computer! A shadowy figure cracks their knuckles and gets to work.

Reading this in the third person, it sounds like the opening to a movie. But imagine yourself as that person, looking at the glowing tasks laid out in front of you and with only a shadow of a plan – do you feel the trepidation in your body?

The start of a new year is naturally future-oriented – a useful perspective, but also one that is intertwined with anxiety about the unknown. As much as we want to crack our knuckles and point ourselves in the right diretion, much of life is outside of our control and the ifs and/or hows remain unclear.

In both New Year’s resolutions and conflict resolution, we face a similar uncertainty. We enter into a situation and want an outcome, but at the same time we can’t know what the outcome will be. This naturally can create anxiety and fear in the process, or even prevent us from entering into the process in the first place.

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Anxiety at its heart is rooted in the imagination – albeit, with a negative spin. There’s a biological reason for us to tend towards this negativity bias (TLDR: safety), but it’s important to note that with a bit of intention, the imagination can also be used to imagine a positive outcome: how might this go right? For example, instead of “What if they yell at me?” try “What if they’ve been wanting to have this conversation too?”

That anxious feeling might not go away, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work with it.

Anxiety is tamed when we take action, but first we need to recognize when it’s stirred up. Anxious feelings often show up in the body before we are aware of it, so keep an eye on these physical symptoms as clues:

• Chest: Pounding heartbeat, tightness in the chest, shallow breathing.
• Stomach: Knots, butterflies, sudden bathroom urgency.
• Muscle/Body Tension: Tight neck/shoulders/back, jaw clenching, throat tension.
• Nerves: Pins and needles tingling, sweating.

It’s interesting how excitement and anxiety can feel so similar in the body.

The way that anxious feelings manifest physically is a bit different for us all, but typically each of us has a certain pattern that is familiar. Take some time to get to know yours – the earlier we recognize it arising, the better you can work with it (by either tempering it with some positive imagination of outcomes or taking an action).

Once you’ve recognized these signals in your body, you have a choice: stay stuck in the spinning, or take one small step forward. An action doesn’t need to be large to be effective in managing anxiety. In fact, small actions are often more powerful than we realize.

When we’re caught in anxiety, we’re stuck in our heads – spinning through possibilities, imagining obstacles, rehearsing worst-case scenarios…thinking, thinking, thinking. Taking even a small action interrupts this mental loop and brings us back into the present moment. It shifts us from passive worrying to active doing.

Think of it this way: if anxiety is imagination running wild, action is the gentle hand that guides it back to reality. Sending that first email to start a difficult conversation. Writing down one concern you want to address. Enrolling in a free Conflict 101 webinar. These small steps don’t eliminate uncertainty – they acknowledge it and move forward anyway.

Each small action also provides evidence that you can do something, even when the outcome is unclear. It’s a form of self-trust being built, one step at a time. And often, once we take that first small step, the next one becomes clearer. The path forward doesn’t need to be fully visible; we only need to see the next step.

The anxious feeling might still be there – that tight chest, those butterflies – but now you’re moving with it rather than being paralyzed by it. And movement, however small, is what transforms anxiety from a wall into a companion on the journey forward.

Maybe, just maybe, when we’re moving rather than frozen, that anxious feeling reveals itself as what it always could have been: excitement for what’s possible.

January is often a time when people make promises to themselves and others to change. And, as we all know, January is also the time when many of these promises fall by the wayside.

Keeping resolutions can be difficult.

For those of us working in the world of mediation and conflict resolution, we see people make resolutions all of the time (not just in January!). Throughout the year, individuals and groups make intentional decisions to live differently, to respond to others’ actions in a different way, and to be less judgmental of others.

Resolutions in this context are called agreements, and there is an accountability factor in them that is often missing from “New Year’s” variety. Mediators monitor agreements and encourage participants to meet their obligations. In certain instances, family members are also there to hold participants accountable. And in some cases, the persons involved in a conflict hold each other accountable too. Just like resolutions that fail, agreements can also fail if accountability at some level is not a reality.

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Beyond accountability, resolutions need to be realistic if we hope to succeed.

In many businesses, nonprofit organizations, and social service agencies, the acronym SMART helps us define “good” goals:

• S = Specific
• M = Measurable
• A = Attainable
• R = Relevant
• T = Time limited

When making resolutions this year, try considering this framework. The calendar may have flipped over, but we still are the same person we were yesterday – perfect in one sense, but in another we could always use a little work!

Looking forward to seeing you and your growth in the new year.

When we think about prepping for the holidays, we probably think of grocery lists, gifts, and fitting everything into the schedule. But it’s also important to remember to prep for the people we’re about to spend time with!

As we head into the holiday season, when we gather with our distant connections (family, friends, and foes alike) there might be some friction between us. Belief systems and lifestyles don’t always align, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy dinner together!

It is important to remember that a lot can happen in a year. When we don’t see someone for a while, it’s worth reminding ourselves that the person in front of us might not match the “snapshot” we have of them in our memory. Just like we allow ourselves to grow and change, it only makes sense to extend this grace to others.

That said, a table of plenty can all-too-easily be overshadowed by a cloud of conflicting opinions. These conflicts tend to be either grounded in the past (previous conflict) or the future (differing beliefs) – either of which potentially sabotage the present.

In tense moments, let’s reflect on what we actually have control over (notably: not others!) and fall back on these tips from the Mediation Services team.

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How to Survive Holiday Squabbles – our best advice!

1. Be curious: Try to discover the intentions of your relatives before you judge them.
2. Focus on the present: Don’t drag in what so-and-so did last Christmas. Don’t worry about what so-and-so might do.
3. Acknowledge your needs: Avoiding an issue or overaccommodating others will spoil your holiday fun.
4. Take a time out: If family time is getting too intense, take a breather to look at the big picture.
5. Identify the deeper issue: Don’t make it about tree lights if it’s about who controls decorating.
6. Be open and clear: Relatives won’t know where you are coming from if you don’t tell them.
7. Address values and needs: Assure loved ones you are not threatening their special holiday.
8. Agree: Identify shared interests, acknowledge or agree where you can.
9. Explore Options: Once the problem is understood, propose solutions that meets everybody’s needs.
10. REMEMBER: Relationship is more important than winning.

We also highly recommend re-reading our previous article on how to be a good guest, but as a little TLDR for your busy schedule here are the pertinent takeaway questions to consider before opening your mouth to speak.

Consider these questions before engaging:

1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it beneficial?
4. Is it necessary?
5. Is it the right time?

Wishing you the best,
– The whole team at Mediation Services

We’re in December! Time flies and sometimes it’s hard to believe but, believe it or not, the holiday season is on the horizon.

As another year draws to a close, Mediation Services will be taking a brief pause to allow our team time to rest and rejuvenate. The office and operations will be closed between December 22nd and January 2nd (the only exception being for specific, previously scheduled appointments).

While we may be taking a break, conflict doesn’t always follow the same schedule. Holiday gatherings often come with unexpected challenges. It’s probably a good idea to revisit our guide to being a respectful/amicable/good guest at dinner parties – but also keep an eye on this blog for some further holiday tips (they’ll be posted during our time away).

Or perhaps it’s also the perfect time to try the FREE Conflict 101 webinar or one of the other on-demand webinars available? These resources are available when you need them – 365 days a year.

The office and our inboxes will reopen on Monday, January 5th at 8:30 AM, from which we’ll dive into 2026 together!