Safety: What do we actually have control over?

We all want to feel safe, however we each define it. But safety is a moving target in a world where so much is out of our control. Trying to control everything is a recipe for unsustainable white-knuckled pressure that eventually collapses into burnout. Does this sound familiar? You’re not alone.

The fact of the matter is this: we are each individuals in a complex web of interconnectivity. Despite our desire to control the things around us, the only real agency we have is over our own thoughts, speech, and actions – and even that can be tricky at times! When backed into a corner, anyone can get defensive and act in reactive ways.

All this is to say, much is out of our control despite our craving for predictability.

Safety is a moving target, rather than a static goal or place. And so it helps to focus on what we have some control over in our day-to-day lives, such as the relationships we nurture, or simply where we go to grab a cup of coffee.

Now, let’s be realistic: we do not have total dominion over every facet of our lives. But we do have agency over some, and by focusing on these areas we can find a sense of empowerment which contributes to feelings of both safety and stability.

There is one unpredictable, complicated, and unavoidable aspect of our lives that we definitely do not have control over: other people. Whether with close family or someone we bump into on the street, we cannot control the actions of another person. Trying or hoping to do so is a recipe for disaster – disappointment, resentment, communication breakdowns, etc.

It’s important that we don’t base our sense of safety on any expectation of changing others. Yet still, we do it more often than we might want to admit – the craving for stability is a deep human need.

The key to finding a healthy sense of safety in one’s life is a balanced approach to living. Acknowledge what’s beyond your control, focus on what you can influence, and cultivate acceptance for the inherent uncertainties of life. This process can lead to a more grounded sense of safety without the negative consequences of trying to control everything.

So what might this look like? Well, first things first: we must accept that we don’t control everything. When we’re stressed and in a panic, this can be hard to remember. But patience and humility are the keys to freeing up energy for what comes next – and it gets easier with practice.

After getting grounded in reality, we can choose where we’ll focus our attention. When we’re able to get clear about where we do have influence, we can drill in on those areas and embrace them.

However, just because we’ve clarified where we exert power, it doesn’t mean that everything will always go our way. There are a multitude of influences, so we need to stay agile in our approach, hold expectations lightly, and be willing to adjust them in the fluidity of relationship.

When we take this approach, it acknowledges the uncertainties inherent in the situation while focusing on constructive actions within our control. It allows for a more adaptable and resilient response to the conflict, reduces stress, and potentially leads to more creative solutions. Aim to stay present in the situation at hand and embrace an open curiosity alongside expectation.

So let’s reflect: what areas of life are you trying to exert control over? How is it going? Where is your energy best applied?

It is a human need to feel safe and secure, yet sometimes we try to achieve that in ways that hurt more than help. When we accept that we can’t control everything, we can better decide where and how to spend our energy in order to pursue desired outcomes. It might not always work out exactly the way we envisioned it, but it might work out even better than we could’ve imagined.