Growing Up: Permission to change one’s mind.

It’s one thing to accept that allowing change within ourselves is a necessary part of growth, but can we extend this same grace to others?

“Of course!” we might quickly retort. But upon further consideration, do we actually?

We live in a modern culture where what is said and done seems more lasting than ever. Immortalized on video, written to the online record, stuck in the sticky memories of others…acts of expression can sometimes feel like marks on a permanent record with no undo button.

It goes something like this:

The heat of the online spotlight swings around to John when something he does catches the scanning eyes of others. With a hot take on the situation, judgement is passed on him – sometimes spoken, but often silent. Whether a vehement protester, rallying supporter, or voyeuristic bystander, each pair of eyes establishes a fixed idea of who he is in that moment.

But an individual human is not so reductive and John is no exception, despite what he might have done to stir the pot.

There’s much more to us than any single action – whether IRL (in real life) or online in the infinite scroll of shared experience. There’s tomorrow, and let’s not forget the day after that. A life story is told over a whole, well, life. We need to remember this and make room for second chances, allowing others to change rather than pigeonholing them into a reductive version of themselves that we decided upon at one singular point in time.

This is especially difficult when someone has done something that we perceive as wrong. In our outrage (and perhaps the upswelling tide of emotion in the bandwagon around us), we want retributive justice when people make a mistake. We want firm punishment in the style of Monopoly: go to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. And, unspoken, do not allow for forgiveness, reparation, and redemption.

We’ve all made mistakes, yet we can quickly forget this about others.

Do you remember what it was like to grow up in a school full of different kids, upbringings, and situations? We’ve all done things that did not age well – unwittingly said something racist or homophobic, put down someone else to lift ourselves up, mistakenly shared a secret without someone else’s permission, stretched the truth into a white lie that got bigger and Bigger and BIGGER.

This is part of growing up and an essential mess of growth (which doesn’t stop when we’ve graduated into adulthood). It’s the scientific process we learn in school, but applied to the school of life.

Now, imagine if everything you did as a kid was caught on a cell phone camera and immortalized. Moving forward from such a place becomes…harder. A mistake becomes an identity rather than a learning opportunity that could fall into the backstory of future chapters of life.

Whether in school or beyond it, we need to let go of judgment and allow others to change their minds. If we don’t, people feel their only option for saving face is to double down, an entrenchment that only escalates conflict and gets in the way of personal growth.

What kind of world do we want to live in? One where retributive justice is undiscerningly doled out? Or another where people are given the chance to better themselves?

At Mediation Services, we firmly believe in the power of growth, which is possible when people are given a chance to do so. This is the heart of the Restorative Justice Court Diversion Program that we offer, but it also extends to all corners of our work with conflict – such as our learning centre or third-party mediation program.

By opening up to a process of listening, understanding, and reconciliation, we make room for people to change their minds and find a path forward through difficult situations.