Curiosity: Great questions spark great conversations.

Have you ever noticed how kids cut right to the heart of things with their questions? They catch you off guard in their blunt innocence: “Do you still love him?” No question is out of bounds: “Why don’t you have any hair?” They make you think again about everything: “Why? Why!? WHY!?”

Somewhere along the path of getting older, we get more inhibited with our questions – if we even ask them at all. There is an idea that we should know better, and yet perhaps it is this thought that leads to problematic assumptions more than a baseline of open-mindedness ever did.

The quality of our conversations often depends on the quality of our questions. If we want deeper, more meaningful chats, we need to take a cue from the little ones and bring curiosity into the conversation.

So, what makes a good conversational question?

Part of the problem is that we’re trained to look for clear answers. This implies that there is a clear answer, but if we accept that everything is constantly changing then the reality is that what we’re looking at is a moment on a timeline of shifting understanding and story.

“What do you think about _____?” we ask, filling in the blank with the issue at hand.

It’s not a bad question, but it prompts a person to respond quickly with their conclusive thoughts in that moment. Useful, yes – but not in the same way that a kid’s question forces second thoughts in the answer one gives.

Instead, try asking, “How did you come to believe _____?”

This is the equivalent of a kid responding to the previous question’s answer with an open-ended, “Why???” – but without the awkwardness of an adult feeling juvenile by doing the same.

Framing the question in a wider timeline invites the other person to storify their answer. People are much more revealing and personal when they are telling stories. They talk about the people and experience that shaped their values – showing their humanness which in turn improves our human connection.

Great questions spark great conversations, and this is true in the case of tough conversations as well. We might not always agree with another person’s perspective, but if we can keep having conversations we can at least begin to better understand each other.

When we find ourselves hitting a wall with someone – a friend, a family member, a colleague or neighbour – this usually means that judgment has established itself in the situation. This creates a perception of separateness, because we can’t understand why the other person is acting the way they are and don’t know what to say anymore.

It is in exactly these conflicts where getting curious about the other person’s perspective and asking the right questions can open up a path where otherwise it was an impasse.

How?

1. Notice your frustration and agitation. Take a deep breath.
2. Understand the defensive response that is within you, but slow it down so that you don’t just react.
3. Ask a question that invites the other person to explain their perspective.

And then, keep the conversation with looping: listening as best you can, paraphrasing back what you’ve heard, and letting the other person clarify – repeating until there’s a shared understanding.

Active listening means being an active participant. You want to be listening so actively that you’re burning calories.

If we subscribe to the idea that great questions spark great conversations, why settle? Curiosity might just be the remedy you need the next time you find yourself at odds with someone.