Author: mediation-writer

We share a lot of tips and tricks for dealing with conflict on this blog. Based on decades of experience working in the field, we know they are tried and true – but it might be a little daunting for the uninitiated. When these concepts are new, a typical response might be: "Easier said than done."

And that wouldn’t be wrong! It is undoubtedly difficult to learn new habits – yet let the mere fact that you found your way to reading this be an encouragement that you’re ready to start. Because when we are struggling, we are more likely to open up to trying something new. In this case, starting work around conflict that will pay off in relational dividends throughout the rest of our lives.

Neuroscience tells us that you teach an old dog new tricks (no we’re not calling you a dog, but yes we’re talking about you). And as with most things, it gets easier with practice.

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What comes to mind when you hear the word practice?

Often our thoughts drift back to memories of formative years of play – chasing whatever ball, puck, or cute teenager caught our eye at the community centre. Were any of us born natural prodigies at any one of these? Not likely.

With the hindsight and perspective of an adult looking on from the stands watching a group of kids haphazardly chase the sports ball or lover that catches their eye…well, it is obvious there is some room for improvement.

And we do improve! That is, with practice. And practice can only happen if we go through the awkward beginning phase. At first, it takes a lot of conscious thought to muddle through even the basics – left-foot then right-foot, or perhaps mustering up a squeaky hello. But after some consistent and persistent trying, what once took a lot of effort sinks into our bones and becomes natural. The burgeoning sports player rises out of the little leagues, and the budding romantic moves on to deeper relationships.

What if we could bring this concept of practice to learning how to deal with life’s unavoidable conflicts? Sure we may not be great at it to start, but we can certainly get better over time. And with some humility, we can mitigate any of the inevitable fumbles we make along the way.

What might get us started in learning how to better deal with conflict? Usually, it’s when we are mired in struggle. A divisive situation rears its ugly head in our personal lives – troubles with a neighbour, partner, or coworker, for example – and we find ourselves in a position where we’ve tried everything and are still stuck. Seeking a path forward, we cast our gaze outwards – and that’s where organizations like Mediation Services exist to resource you with learning and mediation.

Still, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to relationships. As much as we might wish for clarity, each situation is unique and our relationships are doubly so. But guidelines, such as the ones we post about here, can serve as a process for dealing with uncomfortable situations openly and with agility.

With careful action, we can find freedom in the complexity – that is, if we can let go of expectation. But that’s an especially hard thing to do when it is our longing for change that prompted action in the first place.

Hope is a driving force, but it’s important to remember that the desired outcome behind it is never guaranteed. While we can point ourselves in a certain direction, the complexities involved go beyond our individuality and much cannot be controlled (like, for instance, the person we’re in conflict with). Holding on to a hopeful expectation too tightly can lead to disappointment – even if the middle ground we land on is undoubtedly a step in the right direction.

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The reality is that when conflict arises, the only path forward is through it. There is no undo button – instead a claiming of responsibility for our actions and subsequently the actions that come next.

While holding on to hope, we also need to loosen our grip on what its final goal might look like. Even when we’re not a beginner anymore, it’s important to remember we are never an expert that is perfect / unwavering / all-knowing either.

Hope is a way of moving through the world with agility. Held softly, it allows us to meet both the highs and lows with a little more grace, forgiveness, and resilience.

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Mediation Services is here to support you in your relationship (or relationships) with conflict. Online and in-person learning opportunities are continuously available, and with them our hope is to resource you for that which you face.

If you find yourself in need of deeper support for your relational divides, please get in touch to embrace the assistance of a third-party mediator: fill out an intake form or simply start a conversation about options by sending us a message via our contact form.

Whatever your next steps, remember to frame your best efforts within the iterative structure of practice. Be soft with yourself in the process of figuring it out – and don’t give up.

It’s one thing to accept responsibility for the conflict in your own life, but it’s a whole different can-of-worms to take on responsibility for managing conflict for a team of individuals.

When we find ourselves in a position of leadership, the ideas we put forth have an outsized effect. Case and (kind of) point: changing coffee brands stocked in the office kitchen is not quite the same as switching up your beans at home. It impacts all the caffeine lovers you work with – and even those who aren’t into coffee, because the altered vibes of the undercaffeinated will surely affect them secondhand.

And while coffee makes the world go round, so too does the training an employee receives: the skills and knowledge garnered cascade outwards, creating a company culture bigger than any one person.

This means that our choices around employee training have a lot of potential. This can be bad news: one misguided decision can be amplified in its not-so-great results. This can also be good news, because by the same measure the beneficial impact of a well-considered choice is also magnified.

Like it or not, decisions have more weight when matched with a larger circle of influence.

Are you a leader in a group that is struggling with disrespect amongst the ranks? You’re not alone, and we can help shift from the bad news situation to the good news one – while simultaneously establishing a respectful foundation for everyone to stand upon thereafter.

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Conflict is as unique as each of us – different contexts and circumstances require different ways to address the needs around each of them. It begs the question: if we all play different roles and everything is so situational, what do I do?

Are you an individual? Great! There are many things that each of us can do to arm ourselves with tools to tackle conflict that naturally arises on a personal level. You can solve your own problems, which is empowering in the face of challenge.

Are you part of an organization? Also good. Wherever we may be in the pecking order, we can play our part in the drama of disrespect as best we can (as the target, source, observer, or authority) – a bottom-up or lateral approach.

Are you a leader or part of their support team? This is an area of amplified impact with potential to be embraced. It’s important to ensure a healthy top-down culture within a company / team / organization, thereby avoiding unnecessary costs of disrespect in the workplace.

A collective effort is required to shift company culture. When developing our online course, Building a Respectful Workplace, we designed it to be accessible to all – regardless of one’s role in the hierarchy (read about it’s fit here). In fact, the course makes a very convenient component of an employee onboarding process.

However, sometimes we need a little more specificity. In addition to the standalone course, there is the option to add on a training bundle that is specifically designed for companies and consultants to offer this training live and in-person. In reaping the rewards of this training, why not go all the way? There is added value and depth in going through the exercises as a team, while offering an opportunity to embody mutual support in dealing with uncomfortable situations.

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The upgraded training package that we have available for trainers includes access to the aforementioned online webinar, plus all the digital manuals and training notes (timeline, activities, etc) for you to implement this course as part of what is already offered internally.

To make this add-on option truly effective, we insist on getting to know you and your organization a little bit first. This allows us to custom tailor the training to your needs. As such, the upgrade isn’t listed in our online store, but the path to completing the package is simple:

1. Open a conversation by sending us a message (through our contact form (or email us directly) and tell us a bit about yourself and your needs.
2. We collaborate on tailoring the training to you and your workplace.
3. You lead your own in-person Building a Respectful Workplace training with resounding success!

The most important step is to begin the conversation. From there we can work out the next actions to establish a training regimen for you – integrating with existing policies and extending new ones. In the process, we’ll figure out the details together so that you can lead your own in-person program, brimming with knowledge and confidence.

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Disrespect in the workplace isn’t new, nor are trainings offering ideas to cultivate respectful environments. What makes our course stand apart?

Since 1979, we have accumulated a wealth of experience in mediation and conflict resolution, with an approach grounded in listening and appropriate action. Our tried-and-true methodologies allow issues of disrespect to be dealt with head on before unnecessarily escalation. By placing the emphasis on human relations, we create desirable and productive workplaces – and wise and effective leaders.

Don’t let the little things pile up to become big things. We empower you to empower yourselves. Take hold of the reins. Part of leadership is establishing the healthy foundational practices within the context of the organization so that it can operate smoothly; this training wholeheartedly supports you in doing just that.

We hope to hear from you soon.

When it comes to extreme behaviour, it’s pretty clear when something is unacceptable. If a stapler is thrown across the room in a fit of rage, most of us would agree that we’re getting a no feeling from the situation. But it’s not always so obvious.

Disrespect often takes a subtler form, and in this grey area it can be difficult to decipher. While subjectivity in each of our perceived experiences plays a part, it doesn’t absolve microinequities and microagressions.

That said, we need to acknowledge the elephant in the room: sometimes we don’t like the direction that someone gives us but that doesn’t make it disrespectful. When someone gives us feedback at work, for example, we might feel uncomfortable – but maybe that’s a necessary component of the job and the hierarchies that are a part of it.

In many of the roles that we play throughout life, an integral aspect is assigning work, getting critical feedback, and managing performance on both an individual and collective basis. Critique, instruction, orders…these are necessary aspects of interbeing, and are neither good nor bad in themselves. Either way, they can be uncomfortable.

Respect and disrespect exist on a continuum together, and the line between them is a blurry one. Yet it’s an important aspect to consider because it helps us understand the difference between acceptable behaviour and one requiring a response.

Was that valid constructive criticism from our boss or a personal attack? It isn’t always as clear as a flying stapler. As such, reactions to situations straddling this line should be tempered to match the situation – a direct conversation being a good starting point before hiring a lawyer.

At the other end of the spectrum however, unacceptable behaviour is unquestionably so. In these cases our ways of addressing it need to scale appropriately – utilizing the resources available to us to enter an informal resolution process, making a formal complaint, or, if it feels safe, taking immediate intervention. In taking action we avoid the additive trouble that comes from procrastinating tough situations.

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While it may not be as simple as we wish, the result is walking a path with integrity and due diligence – and hopefully cleaning up more messes than we make. Undoubtedly, emotions will bubble up but remember: feelings are not facts and we need to be aware that our biology programs us to react defensively. Of course we need to be cautious of belittling comments, gestures, and personal attacks, but it requires a bit of reflection and thinking beyond oneself to perceive situations clearly.

Reading a situation wrong and overreacting also has cascading impacts to be wary of. Inflated accusations of harm tend to deflect responsibility, shun the other party, or shut down the conversation altogether. Unless your goal is to hurt the feelings of the other person, it can not only escalate conflict but also create it out of nowhere.

As such, it is worthwhile to consider the continuum of disrespect when we feel uncomfortable and are uncertain if it’s acceptable or not. We can find appropriate reactions by identifying when acceptable behaviour spills over into behaviour requiring a response.

Dealing with conflict is one thing, but acknowledging situations where there is the potential for it to be created is the other side of it. Conflict may be natural, but it arises from the continuous flow of actions and reactions in the relationships of our life. In this, each of us inevitably plays a part. 

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If you find yourself today in a conflict and a direct conversation hasn’t moved things toward resolution, our team at Mediation Services can help. Get in touch and we can connect you with one of our trained third-party mediators. Or, if you’re an organization, reach out about scheduling a trainer to come into your workplace to lead a workshop teaching options to be used internally.

We also have an ever-expanding collection of free resources here on our blog and through our newsletter, which we hope will serve you in your own life. And for those interested in self-directed study, our on-demand webinar offerings are a great starting point.

When an extreme action seems to arise out of nowhere, it probably didn’t actually rise out of nowhere. Looking closely, we can carefully choose our reaction accordingly.

A question for you: is there a difference between conflict and disrespect? Or, are they instead synonyms for exactly the same thing?

If you answered, "Yes – they’re different!" but the person next to you happened to answer, "Nope – obviously they’re interchangeable", this illustrates a tricky issue we run into with language. Sometimes each of us uses the same word but with a different intended meaning. This runs the risk of having gaps of understanding in our communications, where we unwittingly are not talking about the same thing.

So let’s get clear what we’re talking about here with some definitions.

• Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
• Disrespect is disregard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others.

Now, with this shared foundation laid, consider the question again: is there a difference between conflict and disrespect?

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Healthy conflict is about issues and ideas. It is an inherent part of life because none of us are separate from others. Relationships and the friction that comes along with them are inevitable.

Disrespect, on the other hand, is about behaviour. Shouting, threats, swearing, unsolicited/unwelcome contact, gestures…these inappropriate actions erode trust, loyalty, and commitment that one would hope to have in all their relations.

When we are overwhelmed by emotion in the heat of the moment, it can be tricky to distinguish between natural conflict and uncalled for disrespect. Yet, in these moments especially, it’s important to understand their differences in order to identify which is at play and what skillful actions might be taken.

Take for instance an example that is all too familiar: you’re working on a project with a colleague and facing a hard deadline in one month. The two of you are having a meeting about how to schedule the tasks that need to be done. As a self-identified planner, you know that an organized and steady approach of chunking the work week-by-week is a recipe for success. Your co-worker on the other hand, staunchly believes that the best way to optimize time is to wait until the last week by chunking all the work together at once.

As you pore over your calendars together, you can’t help but notice your colleague rolling their eyes at you – emphasized by the loud sighs voicing their annoyance. Flustered by this behaviour but unsure of what to do next, you calmly explain your reasoning for wanting to meet once a week but it falls on unlistening ears. Their if it weren’t for the last minute nothing would get done philosophy runs deep.

All of a sudden your colleague turns red and flatly declares, "Only a fool would need to take a whole month to get this done! Ugh, this is so ridiculous!" With that, they push themselves away from the desk and stomp out the room, leaving you aghast and alone – without a plan for what to do next.

What just happened?

In this situation, there was a conflict between you and your colleague over how to manage the time spent on a project together. This unresolved conflict became an act of disrespect when your colleague began rolling their eyes and…escalating.

When we are in a place of unresolved conflict or tensions, disrespect tends to arise from its troubled seeds. And so, while different in their essence, the two concepts also exist in relation to each other.

Acts of disrespect are generally unwarranted, and most certainly unwelcome. Nonetheless, if we have been the recipient of disrespect, the way we respond can make all the difference between bringing the conversation back around to resolving the conflict, or slinging more acts of disrespect to and fro. And even before that, we need to clarify if we’ve experienced conflict or disrespect.

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Dealing with conflict is important for each and every one of us. Fractured relationships, uncomfortable coexistence, and job dissatisfaction are all too common – but they don’t have to be this way. Here at Mediation Services we’ve facilitated many happy endings (or, at the very least, respectful continuations) in-person since 1979 and now online since 2020.

Born from experience, we highly recommend our keystone online course that is Introduction to Conflict Resolution: Dealing with Difficult People. Conflict is in all of our lives, and we owe it to ourselves and our communities to find non-competitive win-win solutions in the face of differing beliefs.

Beyond this general resource there are always places where we can dive in more specifically, and one area of clear need is in the relationships surrounding our jobs. As we explored in the aforementioned example, disrespect in the workplace is an all too familiar thing. Unaddressed, a culture of disrespect can quickly add up to employee dissatisfaction, performance problems, and a self-perpetuating cycle of more disrespect.

Our specialized webinar on Building a Respectful Workplace deals with dynamics within these complex spaces directly. Through acknowledgment, reflection on our role(s), and subsequent action, we can each play our part in creating work environments that we enjoy spending our days in. Read more about what this offering includes here or feel free to reach out directly for wider advice on facilitating respectful workplaces and spaces beyond.

Have you ever seen a hot pepper eating challenge? There’s a popular show on Youtube called Hot Ones, where people are interviewed while eating hot wings. It’s undoubtedly silly, but all of us who can’t pry our eyes away probably watch because…well, it’s relatable. We’ve all been there in terms of our own relationship with spice.

Bite number one is tentative because we know that every pepper packs a different punch than the ones that came before it. It has a distinct flavour, with only a subtle hint of underlying heat – not bad.

The second bite carries the flavour forward and through the palate, but the spice is kicked up a level…manageable, but also beginning to alert you that the spice might need to be managed. Little beads of sweat start forming on your brow.

The third bite: all of a sudden, there is no flavour – only FIRE. Cold water, fresh milk, dry crackers…nothing can extinguish your taste buds / running nose / bodily panic.

Clearly, we have a threshold when it comes to spice and our adventures with hot peppers. Each little bite adds up – but since they’re little, the mathematics of it all can sneak up on us.

Let’s take a closer look at the proof:

Let X = 1 little bite of a spicy dish
Let Y = An individual’s threshold for pushing onward

It follows that:
X + X = 2X
2X + X = 3X
…

When TOTAL > Y, said individual taps out in a less-than-graceful way
∴ little bites add up in big ways

QED

One plus one is two. Two plus one is three. And on and on in its additive manner…until we pass a threshold we might not even have realized we had – the tipping point where little things aren’t so little anymore.

Now, replace variable X with ‘1 little act of disrespect‘ and you have another additive equation we need to be mindful of. While obviously different, the concept is similar.

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Over time, little acts of disrespect add up. Individually they might simply be ignored, but the reality is that they don’t exist in isolation and can compound if disregarded.

Just like regret cannot undo a bite taken, so too an act of disrespect cannot be taken back. Without an effective undo button, the mathematics involve plus signs aplenty.

The running total only ends with the relationship itself, so it’s best to be mindful of the little things to find out what lies on the far side of one’s tipping point and the decisions that come along with it (treating others badly, losing sight of one’s value in a situation, quitting a job / relationship / pursuit, etc).

Here are a couple things to look out for:

• Micro inequities: moments of disrespect that might seem minor, but over time they erode the trust and the loyalty that one would hope to have in a workplace.
• Micro aggressions: subtle everyday interactions that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalized groups.

Facial expressions, tone of voice, choice of words…little actions like these can on their own seem minor, but the cumulative effect can be devastating despite maybe even being unnoticed by others. The impact can create an ongoing feeling of being regarded as a second-class citizen and non-belonging.

It’s doubly tricky because respect is in the eye of the beholder, so the person whose behaviour is triggering may not even realize that their action is being received as disrespectful. This doesn’t change the reality for the person affected though, so it’s helpful to adapt a baseline mindset that is grounded in curiosity. With this approach, things can be dealt with openly and with an attentive eye for an unhelpful biologically triggered defensive stance.

Procrastination in the face of disrespect only makes the situation worse. We think, "Ah, the issue is not big enough to bother addressing, Plus, it would be uncomfortable to deal with." And so, often we don’t do anything about it. But the truth is that then things build up and we’re suddenly living with unresolved tension or conflict.

Further, we know that if we wait too long to address an issue it’s possible people have already forgotten about it. Or, put another way, the appropriate window of time to address something has passed. So procrastination is not particularly helpful in moments of disrespect.

It’s a safe assumption that by the time we’re being held accountable for disrespect or, on the other side, are consciously experiencing it, there have been some things that have already happened to get to this point.

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Little things brushed aside add up to unresolved tension, which is fertile ground for further disrespect to grow from. And so it spreads like a spicy fire through our families, communities, and workplaces if not addressed carefully.

While the variables that go into calculating the limits involved are different for each of us, the point is that we all have a threshold where what were little things add up to a larger struggle. Whether they do so over the timespan of a week or years, they undoubtedly do if we don’t aim to address them.

So, what are our options when we experience a moment of disrespect? And based on those options, what are the possible consequences?

It’s complicated, but there is one key constant across all situations: open communication. If you experience disrespect, it’s important to vocalize and bring clarity to it even if it might feel uncomfortable. Or if you are in another role surrounding disrespect (perhaps an unwitting source, observer, or authority who has the responsibility to manage it), you need to be open to playing your part with care as well.

In our online course Building a Respectful Workplace, we dive deep into each of these shifting roles in our places of work because it is a specific area of need we feel compelled to address head-on. But the drama extends to all of our relationships – the close ones at home and the casual ones out in the world.

We encourage you to cultivate safe spaces for these open conversations in your life, but if the little things have added up to what feels like a divide we can be a resource to help. Consider taking one of our self-study online courses/webinars or fill out a self-referral form on our website to request a third-party mediator for your personal needs (be it family conflict, co-parenting / separation, workplace, or community oriented).

Relationships are the spice of life. Let’s do our part to make sure they are the right kind of spicy.

What would you think if we told you: respect is in the eye of the beholder? That, regardless of your best efforts, sometimes your actions are still disrespectful?

Wait wait wait – this is not a condemnation! Before you roll your eyes and move on with your day, hear us out. This idea isn’t about accepting responsibility for that which you didn’t do. Rather, it’s an invitation to open up to the idea that despite your purest intentions they might not always be received that way.

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Imagine hopping on a plane and jetting to the far side of the planet. You and your bestie Bethany dress casually for the flight – getting comfortable in matching sweatpants and tank tops. Glancing around the plane as it takes off, it’s obvious that you aren’t the only one embracing the cozy and cute strategy. But upon landing, you can’t help but notice that you are suddenly the lone ones in the crowd showing your shoulders.

Wrapping a cardigan over your cozy-casual outfit, you point out the observation to Bethany. She shrugs your words off in the blast of heat that greets you as you step outside, and continues to roll her suitcase to a taxi-stand – oblivious to the dirty looks being cast at her sideways.

In some cultures, exposing skin is disrespectful. And although the intention of Bethany’s behaviour did not change between takeoff and landing, the reception of it by others certainly did.

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This example highlights how our intentions don’t always match up with others’ perceptions of them. You can be treating others as you wish to be treated and be disrespectful at the same time.

What is considered disrespect is largely in the eye of the beholder. Yet someone else’s experience becomes their reality, even when it doesn’t match your perspective. The consequences are there for everyone involved, and so these sorts of situations ought be acknowledged and worked with in order to avoid unnecessary issues down the road.

Undoubtedly, it is complicated by human diversity and gaps in subjective experience. Most of us go through life believing we are behaving in a respectful way and are simply oblivious to unintended impacts of our actions. It follows then, that a good first step in addressing unseen disrespect is to have a conversation where the target in such a situation can share their perspective. After which, there can be space to mindfully adjust repeated behaviour going forward.

While this travelling example is an extreme one, the same elements play out in all relationships. In our families, our communities, and our workplaces…there is a lot of diversity in terms of ideas, cultures, and generational ideals even in these spaces closer to home.

An action as simple as not looking at someone when talking to them can be interpreted as an act of disrespect. Even if we meant nothing by it, we are intertwined with its existence.

Respect is regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others – something that most of us wholeheartedly will agree that we’re in favour of. The question then becomes: how can we best embody this amidst the evident complexity of subjectivity?

A good place to start is to do our homework in being sensitive to other people’s subjective experiences. In the travelling example, perhaps you could do some research before hopping on the plane to learn the basic cultural etiquette of the people you might meet. In your community back home, it could be fostering relationships with your neighbours to share your experiences with each other. In the workplace, it could be listening to your colleagues on the individual level or enrolling the whole team in our Building a Respectful Workplace online course to tackle it at an organizational level.

Despite our best efforts, it is inevitable that we will sometimes accidentally offend others. It’s healthy to remember this and be open to someone else’s experience – also being wary of our biological predisposition towards defensiveness when facing confrontation!

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Experiencing disrespect yourself? You’re not alone, and we’re here to help.

To address the specific needs of organizations, we’ve expanded our in-person offerings to include the Building a Respectful Workplace online course. Read more about all that this includes here or reach out directly for wider advice on facilitating respectful spaces in the workplace – and beyond.

Things can be messy sometimes – and that’s okay. We can work with that, together.

Disrespect in the workplace costs organizations a tremendous amount of money. It is often called a hidden cost, but despite this it also is one which we all know is there.

Take a moment to think about your experiences in past jobs and consider these questions:

• How many people have quit a job or asked to be transferred because of how they were being treated?
• How many people have started working less or putting in less effort because of the workplace dynamics?
• How many people ignored or avoided somebody because of how they treated others?
• How many people have taken some time off just because of the stress of being at work?

It is estimated that 50% of turnover is due to unresolved conflict. Approximately 65% of performance problems result from strained relationships between employees, not from deficits in skills, education, or motivation. And over 75% of complaints registered at the Manitoba Human Rights Commission in 2009 were workplace-related.

Do these facts surprise you?

A disrespectful workplace can lead to:

• Higher rate of employee absenteeism
• Higher rate of sick leave and short-term disability leave
• Reduced productivity and reduced profitability
• Increase in employee turnover
• Increase in workplace stress
• Potential litigation costs
• Difficulty in recruitment and retention of employees
• Decreased workplace morale
• Strained workplace relationships
• Reduced corporate image and customer confidence
• Poor public relations
• Decrease in trust placed in management

There are evidently a lot of costs that go along with disrespect in the workplace: not just at the individual level, but also in terms of team and organizational costs. Intertwined, the impact of both good and bad behaviour spirals outward on both a human and financial level.

Respect and disrespect impacts you, the other person, the relationship, the team, the people you serve, and of course the reputation of the organization.

Can you imagine what it would be like if we could deal with disrespectful behaviour directly and eradicate it? How much more enjoyable would work be? And how much more productive would we be as a result?

While we can all agree that this sounds like a dream come true, the question becomes: how do we get there?

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The first thing we need to do is acknowledge that disrespect in the workplace is an issue. Then, we can begin unpacking the different roles within it, what is going on, and how we can interrelate in a more respectful manner.

As we’ve mentioned before, whether we’re the source, target, observer, or authority in the common drama of disrespect, we all have a role to play. How we navigate communication and action in these loaded situations shapes the culture of the shared organization, which carries potential to foster either loyalty or resentment.

It’s tricky because a behaviour of disrespect might be small and slight – so much so that you question whether or not it happened. The source in such a case might not even be aware of the slight. But either way – intentional or non-intentional – these actions that might be accepted as commonplace add up to people feeling put-down, excluded, or less-than.

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There is no doubt that there is a lot of work to do, but that’s where we come in. Over the past decades, Mediation Services has been helping foster healthy work cultures in the community of Winnipeg. Now, we’ve made our proven framework the foundation for an online course, accessible to you wherever you may be in the city, province, or world.

Please join us in Building a Respectful Workplace – an online course we recommend for everyone in your company, including new hires who can enjoy its on-demand nature as part of their onboarding process. It’s an investment that we heartily believe is good for both the individuals and the organization as a whole.

Many respectful workplace trainings look at an organization’s policies and how to submit complaints, whereas this course takes a fresh approach. We aim to teach you how to do what we all want: if my behaviour offends you, tell me clearly and kindly. Let’s not wait for someone to file a complaint. Let’s engage in these moments respectfully in order to build and maintain the workplace we all want and deserve.

We are proud to offer this resource and support you in cultivating a workplace where people want to be. There are a lot of costs in running a business, and disrespect does not have to be one of them.

We are proud to announce the much anticipated Building a Respectful Workplace online course! Those who were on the waiting list should have already heard from us directly, but for the rest of our community: consider this your formal invitation to join us in our online retreat at the lake.

Are instances of disrespect, or perceived disrespect, damaging your workplace culture? Are you unsure if/how you can respond to situations like these if you are a part of them, whether in a passive or active way, no matter how big or small?

You’re not alone.

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Building a Respectful Workplace brings together three experts in the field of conflict resolution who each provide a unique perspective to this important area of need:

• Paul Kruse: currently serving as a mediator for the Manitoba Human Rights Commission, Paul is also the arbiter of reason for his five children.
• Tanya Clarke-Marinelli: as a life coach, grief and loss trainer, and mediator, Tanya has walked a diverse path towards creating healthy relationships within the workplace and pairs this with her passion for cultivating healing within Indigenous communities.
• Janet Schmidt: in university, Janet had pursued two different interests – one in business and another in psychology. Since 1996, she has merged these two passions by becoming an expert on workplace mediation. With decades of broad hands-on experience, she continues to serve in the community and occasionally teach courses on conflict resolution at both the University of Manitoba and University of Winnipeg.

Together, these three experts have built an extensive curriculum that draws upon their collective decades of experience. This online course is packed with pragmatic advice and tools that will assist workplaces in becoming respectful environments where we can all collaborate and thrive.

What exactly do we mean by respect? Here is our working definition:

Respect (pronounced ri-ˈspekt): Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others.

This is something we all value in our places of work – never mind life in general. The question becomes: how can we ensure mutual respect?

Conflict is natural; disagreement about issues and ideas can even be healthy if they produce broader perspectives and learning opportunities. This, however, is subtly distinct from respect – which is about behaviour.

Whether our roles are small or large, conscious or unconscious, we each play a part in affecting the culture at our places of work. Together in Building a Respectful Workplace, we will look closely at the diverse cast of characters involved in the all-too-common drama that is disrespect in the workplace. As with most stories, at the heart of the conflict is a target and a source (avid readers might instead know these folks by their colloquial names, victim and villain, respectively). Beyond the epicentre of this scene, there’s also an individual playing the role of observer – someone bearing witness to the event. And lastly there is an authority – someone carrying the responsibility to intervene and resolve the situation.

Do any of these roles sound familiar? Have you played any (or all) of them in the past? Through case studies and examples, we will unpack the skillful actions available to us in these difficult moments. This course will prompt us to carefully consider our influence in creating the kind of work environments that we would enjoy spending our days in.

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This online course is a comprehensive webinar that scales to meet both the needs of an individual and their organization. Relationships are an integral part of our livelihoods, and tending to them is important for setting us all up to flourish – whether that is with clients or colleagues, or if we are sole proprietor or a team leader.

A detailed manual is provided as a course companion for Building a Respectful Workplace. This can complement a workplace policy that your organization already has in place, or be tailored to suit your current guidelines. Our goal is to ensure the fostering of happy and healthy workplaces; reach out to us at the links below to open up a discussion about how we can provide extra customizations to meet your specific needs.

Regardless of the size of your business, we strongly recommend that your entire team take this course together and that new hires are enrolled as early as possible. Laying the foundation of a respectful workplace culture is vital for each employee’s future within your company – and is an investment that will pay off in leaps and bounds.

To inquire about registering your whole team for this webinar (bundle pricing) or to schedule a live training for your group, please reach out via email, phone, or our website contact form.

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Cultivating respectful environments is a foundational aspect of any workplace, regardless of the industry. To accommodate for tight schedules and space limitations, this course is offered online and on-demand so you can begin learning right now.

We are proud to offer the Building a Respectful Workplace course as an extension of the in-person work that Mediation Services has been doing for Winnipeg’s local community since 1979 – and an opportunity to use technology to share the expertise we’ve garnered, with each and every one of you.

Please join us in building your respectful workplace. It’s a goal that is close to our hearts and we hope to support you in creating it together.

Are you a beginner?

Before you click away and resume doom-scrolling (it’s OK, we’re all doing it), think about it: do you see the world from a place of curiosity, or do you assume, Nah, I’ve seen it all before?

Whether we are five or fifty-five, we can approach life with the mindset of a beginner.

And what exactly characterizes a beginner’s mind?

A beginner’s mind looks at something new with a freshness, knowing nothing and therefore wholly open to listening. A young child, for example, fills their blank slate with wide-open eyes, innocent questions, and mimics the examples laid out in front of them.

But a lot of us have made a few laps around the sun already. Ideally, an expert’s mind knows enough about something to understand that they will never know all of it. Imagine a journeyman carpenter, who’s been sawing wood for 40 years, and has seen their industry evolve from hand tools to power tools over a lifetime. Despite change being uncomfortable, the path to them becoming an expert in their field was one of continuous learning; born of an open mind that isn’t all that different from the apprentice starting out on their first day at the job.

These two mindsets anchor the ends of a timeline of understanding, but there is a third stage that stands between them: that of the intermediate mind. In this place, we know a little about something, but not yet enough to understand how little we don’t yet know. Case in point: the overconfidence that accompanies the terrible teenage years – we’ve all been there.

Alas, the intermediate mindset is an easy one to get stuck in and doesn’t age out of us as simply as the hormones of puberty. Instead, it carries forward into our relationships, careers, and communities.

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Let’s explore the why and what behind the intermediate mindset, so that perhaps we can avoid some of its perils.

Think back to your first job. Did you walk into that kitchen / yard / office ready to cook / garden / spreadsheet without any training? For those of us with a normal level of confidence, the answer to this would obviously be no. With a relatively clean slate, it’s natural to slip into a receptive stance when a manager steps in to share the wisdom of the novel trade.

Two years later in the very same job, advice from the very same coworker falls on different ears. With 730 days of experience, you are no longer a blank slate – and in the midst of their speaking you are already forming a response. Instead of listening, you are waiting for a moment to interject and speak your piece. Maybe the thought is a good one (emphasis on maybe), but either way it occludes your ears from really listening to what’s being said to you.

What changed? Well, now you know better.

Or so you think.

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Spoiler: we don’t always know better.

What’s wrong with a little bit of confidence? you might ask. Nothing actually – the problem lies rather in overconfidence, a place where ideas get hardened and stop evolving. With this rigid mindset, we get in our own way – and condemn ourselves to unnecessary trouble. So, why do we as humans trend in this direction?

On the one hand, we crave certainty – a safe harbour in a chaotic world. On another, our modern world seems to demand it of us – not allowing us to change our opinions without being crucified for it.

And so we double down on that which we know.

In the context of conflict, the intermediate mindset can result in us talking at each other rather than talking to each other. It’s a very real hurdle, with very real consequences of strife and resentment. Though oft unconscious (like the angst of a teenager), this can mean the difference between feeling frustrated or fulfilled in our interactions.

Despite our cravings for certainty, things are rarely so simple. Be wary of black-and-white thinking. Assumptions can get us into trouble and amp up the likelihood of getting defensive. The key to evolving beyond the intermediate mindset is to notice and temper these beliefs with a humble reminder of the truth: that we never know everything. And while that can be scary, it is also very freeing.

With practice, we learn to suspend our viewpoint in order to really bear witness to what’s happening around us. This dynamic of pausing and opening to a wider view is hard at first but over time becomes natural – and it’s from this place of inquiry that we can transform ourselves and our relationships.

Growth happens from the fertile soil of openness and curiosity. Let’s learn how to make it safe for ourselves and each other to change our minds.

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At Mediation Services (in Winnipeg and online), we specialize in facilitating open discussions surrounding family conflict, co-parenting / separation, workplace conflicts, and community conflicts.

In order to speak and be heard, we also need to listen – and this requires a certain degree of openness. Ideally this results in a two-way conversation, but if you find yourself stuck, we are here to help. Send us a message here and let’s see what we can accomplish together.

When working with defensiveness, it isn’t just with what arises within ourselves. Like a bird flying into a freshly cleaned windowpane, we inevitably bump into it out in the world oft when we don’t see it coming.

In the daze that follows, we find our feet; reflexively mirroring the defensive stance we face and reacting in our own way. This behaviour biologically bypasses conscious thought in our brains and, triggered by someone else being triggered, tends to unwittingly escalate a situation from nothing into…well, even more of a situation.

It’s not ideal.

How…why…what in the world just happened…? we can’t help but wonder to ourselves when the dust finally settles down.

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So, what exactly happens to take someone from it’s-all-good to red-alert in no time flat? It’s a tricky question that aims to peer beneath the surface of someone’s actions. In past blog articles we’ve explored defensiveness a fair bit, but mostly through a focused look inward at how it manifests within ourselves in the competitive "game of life". When we turn our inquisitive gaze outwards to others however, there is a lot less information to go on and it is hard to discern the potential source of others’ defensive behaviour.

While every situation is different, there are a few defensive patterns to be aware of.

Let’s take a closer look at an example and try to figure out what’s going on.

Act I

Scene 1

SETTING: You’re in a meeting at work. Everyone is sitting around the boardroom table. Things are going fine – the reports are being analyzed and everyone is nodding in agreement about the team’s plan going forward.

YOU: noticing a discrepancy in the numbers being projected on the wall, you turn to your colleague running the presentation to interrupt, "Thomas, is this number accurate?"

THOMAS: swivelling around abruptly to face you, quickly retorts, "Stop attacking me!"

Everyone falls silent. There is an awkward energy in the room.

(END OF SCENE)

And just like that, SMACK – we’ve hit our proverbial windowpane of defensiveness. In the span of a moment, things suddenly went from smooth to sideways.

What exactly happened? Where might this unexpected response have come from?

There are three contexts that trigger defensiveness:

1. Someone has been falsely accused and is defending their good name.
2. Someone is guilty and trying to cover up.
3. There is a grain of truth in the comment or accusation.

In the aforementioned example, can you determine which context your colleague Thomas is acting out of? It is not so clear. If he is innocent, he will act defensively. If he is guilty, he will also act defensively. And in both cases his response will look pretty much the same to you.

It’s one thing to look inwards with some insight into what’s at play, but when looking outwards it’s easy to fall into the dangerous zone of incorrect assumptions. Be mindful of this, and try to catch when you might be jumping to conclusions about the inner workings of someone else.

Shifting from a stance of defensiveness to curiosity, we can keep lines of communication open to try and bring clarity to the situation in order to avoid escalation. Ask questions to try and unpack where others are coming from. Try to hit pause before reacting in heated situations. Take responsibility for your role and any words / body language / actions that may have been misconstrued.

It’s worth noting that the inverse situation is also true: never assume that others can understand where you’re coming from when you also happen to behave defensively (and, going beyond this, in all of your actions). Again, try to be considerate of others by communicating what’s going on beneath your skin – not to absolve responsibility, but instead to give insight to your perspective and lend clarity to living in community with each other.

Either way, the only thing we can control is our own actions.

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Understanding defensiveness is the first step in learning to better work with it because, like it or not, it’s an invisible hurdle that we’re all going to bump into now and again. Life is full of relationships, and different histories and perspectives overlap in this messy experience called the present. Feathers are bound to get ruffled from time to time, but there is always a choice in how we pick ourselves back up and face that which we bumped into. In this, it’s possible to not bump into the same invisible pane (pain?) over and again.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Join us in diving deeper into this (and more!) with our on-demand online course Dealing with Defensiveness. Its curriculum is the result of many decades of work in this space, and through it we offer proven techniques and exercises to better resource you for life’s inevitable conflicts.

Remember: conflict is natural – and we can work with it.