Conflict: How to disagree without poisoning the relationship.

Disagreements are a part of life. Whether it’s a heated debate at work, a difference of opinion with a friend, or a family squabble, it’s fair to say that we don’t always see eye to eye. And let’s be honest: most of us dread them. We worry about saying the wrong thing, hurting someone’s feelings, or damaging a relationship we care about.

New York Times columnist David Brooks puts it simply: “We need to learn the social skill of how to disagree with another human being without poisoning the relationship.” It’s a challenge, but one that we can all rise up to.

The trepidation around conflict is not unfounded – who hasn’t had a seemingly small issue spiral into a full-blown argument that left everyone worse for wear? While there is wisdom in choosing when to address conflict, it’s important to note that procrastinating difficult conversations has a risk too: frustration, resentment, and little things adding up to massive ones.

One aspect to handling disagreement well (in addition to pretty much every tool presented in our blog and courses), is social skills. The effort to see and understand what another person is going through is foundational, which often begins with pausing our defensive response in a heated moment and considering the question: “What might the other person be feeling right now?”

This forces a pause. And just like that, your next action shifts with this consideration.

While the details vary from situation to situation, at its core a healthy relationship includes looking beyond yourself and making space for someone else’s experience and perspective.

The key to handling disagreement well is to start by truly seeing and hearing the other person. Before jumping in with your own point of view, take a moment to consider where they’re coming from. Ask yourself, “What might this person be feeling right now?” Shifting your mindset from “How do I win this argument?” to “How can I understand this person?” can change the entire tone of the conversation.

Here are some concrete social skills for healthy disagreement:

• Active Listening: Instead of simply waiting for your turn to talk, ask questions to unpack the other person’s point of view (check out our more detailed guide on this and the “looping” technique here).
• Identify shared values: Vocalize your shared values or goals, even in disagreement. These statements can look like “We both want what’s best for our family” or “We’re on the same team.”
• Set Ground Rules: Agree on boundaries (no yelling, no interrupting, no dredging up the past, etc) before tough conversations.
• Stay Curious: Instead of arguing and getting stuck in division, try to bring curiosity into the conversation and keep the dialogue flowing towards mutual understanding.

Of course, real life is messy and in the heat of a conflict, strong emotions can render any of these techniques out of reach. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break – utilizing the time-out approach and coming back to the conversation with calmer minds can make a world of difference.

Disagreeing well isn’t just a nice idea – it’s a skill you can practice. Next time you find yourself in a tough conversation, try one (or some!) of these techniques. Over time, you’ll find that you can stand your ground better without burning bridges. Relationships grow stronger when we learn to handle conflict with care.

Want to learn more? Our FREE Conflict 101 webinar is a great place to start building up your personal skillset.

Cultivate healthier and stronger relationships by learning how to disagree, better.