Digital Communication: The nuance of intention.

The problem with digital communication

Communication is key to relationships, and it’s safe to say that it’s going through an evolution as we do more and more of that digitally. To say that this progress is linear, however, is to overlook the growing pains that come with learning something new.

In our hyper-connected world, we’re sending more messages than ever before. The average person exchanges at least 10 texts daily (source), yet many report feeling increasingly misunderstood. This disconnect stems from what’s missing in digital exchanges: tone, facial expressions, and real-time feedback that humans evolved to rely on for thousands of years.

We’ve attempted to bridge this gap with emojis and GIFs. While helpful, these tools often create their own confusion. A simple thumbs-up emoji, for example, can signal approval to one person and passive-aggression to another. Further, message interpretation varies significantly across generations and cultures.

And then what happens when a miscommunication happens? Conflict! And if it’s not handled well: 😠😭🔥!!!

Intentions matter

“It’s no longer about the intentions of the speaker, it’s how the listener heard it.”

• Jonathan Haidt

Anyone who has been online or read the news in the last decade can feel the cultural shift that Jonathan Haidt is pointing at. And it’s a reality that is exhausting.

Consider Grandma commenting on your new girlfriend’s appearance at Christmas dinner: “Oh, you’re so pretty, dear! And not too skinny like all those models. You’ve got a healthy appetite – I like that in a woman!”

In person, you can quickly tell if Grandma was trying to be hurtful or just awkwardly complimenting in a way that feels outdated and potentially body-shaming.

Intentions matter – and, most of the time, people aren’t trying to be jerks. We’re very quick to call other people out these days, but there are times when it’s more fruitful to call each other in.

“Grandma,” you might say later in private, “I know you meant well, but commenting on someone’s body or eating habits is not cool. It can make them uncomfortable, even when it’s meant as a compliment.”

And doing so, a fight averted and better place to move forward.

Finding balance in a digital world

Our actions ripple outward and the outside view might not match our own perspective, but that doesn’t diminish the original intention.

A text message is devoid of body language. Was it actually sent curtly, or was it just a quick response amidst a lot of other things going on that day? Were they actually ghosting you, or do they just not get along with technology? Did they actually insult you, or did autocorrect stuff unintended words into their mouth?

It’s best to be careful with assuming anything when filling in communication blanks; instead, ask for clarification when there’s doubt or uncertainty. Try texting back asking for more details or embrace the old-school technology of “a phone call.”

Curiosity is always a good value to bring to the face of a conflict. This goes for both digital and in-person communication, but is more often overlooked in the distanced digital realms than with Grandma at Christmas dinner.

Being a modern human isn’t always easy, but with a little bit of care we can be better suited for the task.

Consider which medium best suits your message. Complex emotional conversations deserve voice or video calls. Quick updates work well as texts. Being intentional about how you communicate can prevent misunderstandings before they start.

And when things do inevitably sometimes bubble up into conflict, recognize that this is natural and try to avoid making it worse by doubling down. A defensive response only leads to division and conversations where people are yelling without listening to each other, when the reality is that it’s quite possible there is a misunderstanding at the root of the issue.

The evolution of digital communication isn’t about abandoning traditional forms, but instead finding a balance between them. By acknowledging both the benefits and limitations of our digital tools, we can communicate more effectively across these mediums and all the ones yet to come.