Clear is Kind: Lessons for living in community.

When it comes to resolving conflict, the phrase clear is kind holds powerful truth. At first, we might bristle at the statement – worrying, “Being direct or blunt could hurt others’ feelings!” But what of the alternative? Conflicts often arise or worsen because people fail to communicate their needs, feelings, or boundaries clearly. Vague messages or beating around the bush can leave others guessing, which leads to frustration or even resentment.

So let’s try that again: clear is kind. Maybe, just maybe…avoiding ambiguity and speaking with kindness can help prevent misunderstandings, reduce frustration, and build stronger connections?

Clear and honest communication shows respect and care, even if it means a bit of discomfort in speaking up.

For example, imagine the following situation bubbling up around the office water cooler:

After a long morning meeting, you are in the lunch room taking a break to clear the mind and caffeinate the soul. The coffee machine beeps and you scuttle over to help yourself. Your colleague, Gary, is at the microwave making a snack.

YOU: “Would you like a cup of coffee”? (turning to colleague)
GARY: “Oh please. You never listen to me!” (stalks off back to their cubicle)
YOU: “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays…” (muttering to yourself)

Annnnnnd…scene!

Clearly, Gary is upset about something. But not so clearly, is what it is about.

How would you feel in this situation? Attacked, confused, defensive…lots of emotions without any ground to properly respond.

What if Gary had instead clarified, saying, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted during meetings.”

Oh! Now, this points directly to the problem and invites a constructive response that could change the outcome drastically.

How to Be Clear and Kind

Being clear doesn’t mean being harsh. It means choosing words thoughtfully and expressing yourself honestly while caring about the other person’s feelings. Here are some techniques to get you started:

• Use “I” statements: Speak from your own experience to avoid blame. For instance, “I feel overwhelmed when plans change without notice,” rather than, “You always mess up our plans.”
• Be specific: Avoid vague complaints. Instead of saying, “You’re inconsiderate,” try, “When you cancel last minute, it disrupts my schedule.”
• Express needs clearly: It’s okay to tell others what you need. Saying, “I need some quiet time to focus,” sets a clear boundary.
• Listen actively: Clarity isn’t just about speaking; it’s also about hearing. Reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding, like, “So you’re feeling frustrated because _____?”

Being clear means having the courage to say what you really mean, which also means you have to do the work to clarify for yourself what the root of the problem is.

This effort pays off in dividends. By addressing issues directly, it prevents repeated arguments and misunderstandings. When people know you speak honestly and kindly, they feel safer opening up. It removes guesswork and anxiety around interpreting unclear messages. All of this fosters respect and deeper connection.

In conflict resolution, avoiding tough conversations may feel like kindness, but often just prolongs pain and confusion. Choosing to be clear, even when it’s uncomfortable, is a genuine act of kindness. It respects others enough to trust them with your honest feelings and empowers everyone involved to find understanding and healing.

Stop tiptoeing around conflict and remember: clear is kind.