Setting Boundaries: What, why, and how!?

Conflict happens everywhere – at home, in the grocery store, even in church. How we handle these tense moments can make all the difference, and one lesson that comes up time and again is the importance of being clear about both our needs and our boundaries.

In stressful situations, our emotions take the wheel.

Think back to elementary school. Do you remember the What to Do When My Clothes Are on Fire lesson? Pre-lesson, the natural reaction to “Ack, I’m on fire!” would probably be running around in panicked circles screaming for help. Post-lesson, hopefully the immediate reaction would shift to a more useful stop, drop, and roll. The difference? Preparation.

It’s not so different with fiery emotions.

Preparation can help us be ready for the heat of conflict – especially when a practiced response is simple and easy to remember. It can be for specific situations, such as what we all went through during the Covid pandemic uncertainty, when having clear and kind phrases at the ready was helpful in navigating the tough situation together. Or it could be more general, where we prepare by learning to notice our body’s tightening alongside a defensive response and recognizing that a line has been crossed.

The thing about preparation though, is that it’s always easier in hindsight. In the moment, we often don’t know there is a line to be crossed until it actually happens. But when a line is crossed, we know.

How often do we rehearse what we should have said after a frustrating conversation? These retorts in our head can default towards defensive, but what if we reflected on what boundary we could have established and how it might have changed the situation? This sort of reflection and preparation helps us to respond better next time.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Let’s clear up a common misconception first. Healthy boundaries aren’t walls – they’re more like property lines. They don’t shut people out; they simply clarify what’s yours and what’s theirs (physical space, emotional energy, time, responsibilities, etc.).

Why Boundaries Matter for Everyone

Boundaries prevent conflict before it starts. When you’re clear about your limits upfront, you eliminate the guesswork that leads to misunderstandings.

For example, at Mediation Services we’ve seen countless workplace disputes that could have been avoided with one conversation: “I handle urgent requests until 6 PM, but after that, it waits until tomorrow unless it’s a true emergency.”

Contrary to popular belief, boundaries like this don’t push people away – they enable healthier connections. When you’re clear about your limits, others know exactly how to respect you. This builds trust and reduces resentment on both sides. Remember: clear is kind.

And on the personal level, boundaries protect your well being. Without them, you become everyone’s emotional dumping ground, unpaid therapist, and 24/7 problem solver. This isn’t sustainable. Boundaries ensure you have enough energy left for what truly matters to you.

How to Set Boundaries That Stick

First, identify a relationship you’re within that leaves you feeling drained or resentful. Name the specific behaviour (or behaviours!) that’s crossing your line.

Then, use this framework to have a boundary conversation:

1. State the boundary clearly: “I don’t discuss work issues during family dinner.”
2. Explain briefly if needed: “This time is important for connecting with my kids.”
3. Offer an alternative: “Let’s schedule 15 minutes tomorrow morning to talk through it.”

Congratulations! You’ve set a boundary.

Does this sound daunting and scary? No worries, you don’t overhaul your entire life overnight. Pick one area where you need stronger boundaries and practice there first. It can be as simple as not checking work emails after 6 PM or limiting phone calls during family time.

If this still feels like a lot, pick something that is about holding a boundary with yourself, like keeping your phone outside of the bedroom once it’s bedtime. And yes, a lot of these examples have to do with phone usage; it’s a common area of challenge! This private contract with yourself can help build confidence for holding boundaries in other areas of your life.

Holding Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is good, but it’s equally important to hold them. Read part two of this boundary conversation, where we talk about holding boundaries and how to handle pushback.