Relatability: Why “me too” isn’t always helpful.

Have you ever had a friend confide in you about the challenges they’re facing with their teenager? It’s a story as old as time – relatable to even those who haven’t had kids, because chances are that once upon a time we’ve played the role of that troublesome teen as well. And so, upon hearing your friend’s woes, maybe you jump in with, “I know exactly what you mean…” going on to share your own story. It feels like the right thing to say – after all, you’re trying to relate and show you understand – but sometimes this “me too” response does more harm than good.

Let’s talk about why.

We all want to connect, especially when someone is struggling. It’s natural to reach for a personal story as a way to bridge the gap. While this comes from a good place, it can unintentionally derail the conversation.

When you jump in with your own experience, the spotlight shifts from them to you. Instead of feeling heard, your friend might feel like their struggles are being overshadowed or dismissed – especially when they’re mired within them.

Often, people just need to be heard. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply listen. Try nodding, maintaining eye contact, and saying things like, “That sounds really tough,” or, “Tell me more.”

A moment of being truly heard can mean the world.

Of course, sharing your own story can help – if the timing is right. Wait until your friend feels heard and supported. Then, offer it with a question like, “Would it help to hear what worked for me?” If they’re open to it, keep your story short and focused on the part which might be helpful – not just what happened to you.

Here are some quick strategies you can use next time a friend / relative / colleague opens up:

1. Listen first, talk second. Give them space to express themselves fully. Let them finish before you respond.
2. Validate their feelings. Validation is about acknowledging someone’s emotions without judgment or trying to fix the problem right away. Use phrases like, “That sounds really tough.”
3. Don’t one-up or shift the focus. Keep the spotlight on them.
4. Offer support. Before jumping in with solutions, ask what kind of support they want. Pose questions like, “Do you want advice, or just to vent?” or, “Is there any way I can help?”

Empathy isn’t always about sharing your own experience – it’s about being present for someone else. Try listening more and talking less, and you might be surprised at the outcomes.