Conflict Resolution: Self-identity and defensiveness.

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Honestly, most of us would probably say coffee. But, caffeine dependency aside, what else gets you out of bed in the morning?

Duties, responsibilities, breakfast…there are certain things we need to address to prevent our universe from sliding off its axis. We go to work to make money to afford life, drive a family member to a medical appointment, check in with our roommates (kids, cats, whomever) to make sure the fridge is stocked, squeeze in some physical exercise to keep the body functioning properly, etc. The schedule has a funny way of always filling up.

Knowing that others depend on us, knowing that the churn of our lives requires us to be active participants…when we get out of bed it is this to which we stride. Sometimes the pull beyond the sheets is with a bounce in the step, and other times a sluggish sense of duty.

In an ideal world, we’d all bound out of bed, throw the blinds open, ready to seize the day, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. But while most of us can remember this feeling at some point in our lives, this isn’t always the case (also something most of us can likely remember feeling!).

While it’s normal to have rote days, there is also something we are truly passionate about that pulls us forward. It is human to pursue meaning, and it comes in innumerable forms that are unique to each of us. It might be a passion for being helpful, to contribute to society in some regard, to give back. Perhaps it’s living by the vow of leaving the world a better place than we found it. Or maybe it’s grounded in the more concrete goal of putting food on the table.

We all want to think of ourselves as good, and we do – in the myriads of different ways that goodness can be defined.

However: it is inevitable that, despite our best intentions, sometimes we will fall short of the mark. We will make mistakes, our perspective will not align with someone else’s, and our emotions will get the better of us and we’ll spit out something we regret. These uncomfortable experiences are also parts of being human.

When we mess up, what do we do next? Do we own up to it, apologize to others affected by it, and look for areas of learning and action so we can move forward and change how we do things next time?

Yes, ideally.

In reality? It’s not so simple.

When facing conflict, our character is really tested and it’s easy to fall short of our idealized selves. Our inner hedgehog / porcupine / spiky spirit animal starts to rear its defensive head, and it’s not always cute. The problem with the internal narrative of being a good person is that it makes it hard to face the reality that we aren’t always that ideal. Doubling down in defense of this identity is a natural, albeit problematic, response.

In conflict resolution, the process gets stuck when someone is unable or unwilling to own up to a mistake. This idea we’ve been exploring of idealizing who we are as a person is a common hurdle. When we are so attached to the idea that we are helpful, how do we reconcile that with the moments when we harm someone? When we identify as being a giving person, how do we deal with being accused of being selfish?

Having a strong self-identity creates inner stability so that we can get out of bed in the morning. We often aren’t aware of this because it is a logic that runs in the background of the mind. However, if we stay oblivious of it, we will run into some pretty confusing and painful situations.

When our sense of who we are is challenged, it is destabilizing and leaves us with two options. We can expand our sense of self – as someone who intends to be helpful but is also imperfect and messes up occasionally and therefore human. Or, we can double down and staunchly defend our self-image, lash out harder, build thicker walls between ourselves and others, and end up only having our sense of righteousness for company (which is also human, but less fun).

Sometimes our defensiveness is really a defense of our idea of who we think we are. And when we are trying so hard to do well, it’s understandably frustrating when it doesn’t go the way we want it to. In the long run, cultivating mental agility around who we think we are means we can nurture and deepen our relationships, and even have a chance at achieving inner peace.

Getting defensive happens – it’s a natural reflex to want to protect ourselves, just like it’s natural to want to think of ourselves as helpful and good people (it certainly helps with getting out of bed in the morning!).

At Mediation Services, part of our work is guiding you in how to work with defensiveness so that it can ultimately be constructive. It’s a great place to learn communication tools and strategies that help when things get spiky, so that we can stay steady and aligned with our values.

We have some in-person courses here in Winnipeg coming up (view details and register here). Or, if you’d prefer the convenience of online, you can start today with our core webinar Dealing with Defensiveness.